No actual offense to you, Mr. Jack Black. This is actually more of a roasting than anything. This post is in rebuttal to a friend of mine who is god-awful obsessed with you.
But first —
I have two corrections to make from my previous post.
1. People still seem to give a shit about Rob Lowe. Personally, I don’t see it, but to my understanding, they still seem to be offering him roles. Whatever, I’ve still got most of my list in tact, dammit.
2. People also still seem to give a crap about Alphonso Ribeiro. If for anything, then for this:
Jack Black. Jack. Black. Jack Black. I fucking hate Jack Black, for those of you who actually don’t know this. I find nothing funny about the man and to his fry vat face all over the marquees at the local cineplex seriously makes me reconsider my choice to persue a film career. He is not funny. He’s a shitty actor and what’s worse, what really makes my skin crawl, is the whole Tenacious D thing. My list of “Reasons Why I Hate Jack Black”:
1. Jack Black reminds me of a guy who has a grotesque job, maybe along the lines of a plumber, electrician, or exterminator. He totally seems like he’s be one of those plumbers who would have an acre of crack and hair poking out the back of his disgusting overalls, an electrician who would probably wire your house wrong and cause it to Hiroshima itself, or an exterminator who rings your doorbell randomly and asks you if he can reschedule while covered in termites or ants. Yep, on the standpoint of vocation, he seems to be about as bad as it gets in certain fields. You want to get my impression of the man in other lines of work?
– Retail Associate (fired for excessive air-guitar to the AM Pop radio station playing overhead)
– Doctor’s Assistant (would probably ask patients if he could test the drug for them, just to see how it works)
– Dental Assistant (would be fired because he would proclaim everything to be “metal” and that fucking metal hand gesture… yeah, you know the one)
– Secretery (would lose every important document in the place and blame it on Kyle Gass)
– Drive-Thru Attendee (I see an incident involving the fry vat or the grill plates in this senario)
See, America, there are many, MANY jobs that Jack Black can’t do and music/acting is one of them. I also feel, America, that Jack Black would also be the worst babysitter in the world. Would you want this man watching your children?
Yes, wherever the Jack goes, his balding, fat amigo follows. So, BOTH of them would be watching little Suzy and Billy while you and your wife/partner/husband/girlfriend/boyfriend/lover are out. Yeah, you only thought you had called the Babysitter’s Club.
Alrighty, people, I kept this one short. Check back and I’ll have more.