Sometimes, you can get some of the best material from just checking out the latest news. Oh yeah, it’s great. You can keep up to date about what the dictator of North Korea and the Lollipop Guild is doing, gossip about the materialistic stupidity of your everyday celebrity, and even figure out how bad the government is going to bone you in the next fiscal year just by taking some time out of your day to look over the headlines of the past twenty-four hours. There’s something for everybody in Newsland. I guarantee it.
All of these headlines are quoted exactly, not a single word has changed.
From mercurynews.com: San Jose Woman Walking On Trail Gets Tangled In Dog Leash, Falls, and Dies.
Wow, that’s a little bit blunt. It kind of gives you the thought that the person reporting it has just cracked open a fresh box of Crayola chalk and put another squiggly looking tally on the chalkboard. Kind of like it’s some kind of everyday occurance. Could you image just going outside, taking a second to yawn and stretch before grabbing your local paper and some poor sap just trips in front of your house and dies? Wow, what kind of fucked up world would this be?
According to the article, the woman was walking along the Los Alamitos Creek trail in San Jose, when she got caught in one of the leashes of two Siberian Huskies walking alongside their owner, who was riding a mountain bike. When the woman fell, the cyclist stayed with her until the paramedics got there, then he did a Houdini. When the woman got the hospital, it was discovered that she had crazy brain swelling and they operated, even though she was declared brain-dead not long afterward. She was taken off life support and given the proper burial.
The event took place a couple of weeks ago.
Now you all might be flabberghasted, saying, “Robbie, how do you find this horrible, tragic accident funny?”
Okay, it’s not the incident itself. This was a freak accident and is horribly tragic and I hope the woman is in a much better place. It’s the events that are transpiring in the aftermath of this terrible accident that make this just one more reason to open a box of Crayola chalk pieces and put another tally on the blackboard titled “Reasons Why California Is For Retards And Convicts”.
1. The woman’s husband is treating this like she was murdered, even though the police and a witness to the event say there was no crime.
Now, I can understand this guy’s plight, don’t get me wrong, but if there was no crime, then homeskillet needs to grieve and mourn without trying to get the incident played on America’s Most Wanted. It’s always sad when someone close to you dies, and from the ages of the woman and her husband, I would assume they had been married for many years. But, the husband is going on and on about how we wants the “closure” by finding the bike rider in question.
What closure could you possibly get from that? The rider didn’t know the woman and it was just a freak accident that could’ve just as easily happened somewhere in butt-fuck Idaho. It won’t help. The husband will just track this guy down, get an apology from some stranger and have nothing to show for his efforts whatsoever. And yet, here we all are sympathizing for this guy and all he’s doing is making a spectacle of the whole mess. I hope the ghost of his deceased wife comes down and slaps him on the back of his head like all wives have to deo sometimes. This is fucking ridiculous.
2. City leaders are actually discussing the possibility of making it a city law that would make walking a dog and riding a bike at the same time a crime.
Really? Of all the potential dumb laws any political body can possibly think of, you want to make it a crime to walk a dog and ride a bike at the same time? Doesn’t the city of San Jose have better things to do with their time, like figuring out how to get out of the economic red or planning the revolt against the Governator? Is this what getting into city politics is all about?
Some poor lady just happened to get killed in what will probably by 2009’s Weirdest Death of the Year, and the fucking suits are talking about trying to administer a law that possibly violates constitutional rights? Seriously folks, how many people every year die of “bike riding and dog walking related deaths”?
I actually looked and couldn’t find any.
Mona Favorite-Hill, who has a really funny name and is the spokeswoman for the San Jose Department of Parks, Recreation, and Neighborhood Services had this to say on the matter: “There’s no way to anticipate this. We’ve never thought about it before. If there is such a law, how would we enforce it? The only thing we would be able to do is put out signs and put out an education campaign”.
Thank you, Mrs. Favorite-Hill (hahahahahahahaha). My point exactly. Another dumb law that would waste what little money San Jose actually has.
Here’s a quote from Kathy Sutherland, Counsilwoman Nancy Pile’s chief-of-staff: “We’re taking this seriously. We think it’s worth revisiting the issue”.
I have nothing positive to say to that statement.
And Robbie picks up the blue one and draws another large line on the board.
From Reuters: Man Sues BofA for “1, 784 Billion Trillion Dollars”
Did you guys get an image of this guy holding his pinky to his mouth like Doctor Evil, too? This has to be one of the funniest things I think I’ve ever heard of, and what makes it so great is that this is a truly legit news article. This isn’t some headline from The Onion or any other tabloid, there really is a guy who has placed a lawsuit on Bank of America for “1,784 Billion, Trillion Dollars”.
I have a few questions:
1. How the fuck do you even say how much money this is?
2. Is this really going to hold up in court?
3. How many times was this guy dropped on his head as a child?
U.S. District Judge Denny Chin released a brief statement on this matter Thursday in Manhattan federal court where calls the lawsuit “incomprehensible.”
Chin continued by saying, “he seems to be complaining that he placed a series of calls to the bank in New York and received inconsistent information from a ‘Spanish woman’. He apparently alleges that checks have been rejected because of incomplete routing numbers.”
Keep in mind folks, this Judge Chin doesn’t play. He’s the guy who sentenced Bernard Madoff to 150 years of anal.
There are times when I really find myself doubting the intelligence of people and every time I think that maybe I’m wrong, something like this happens. This is just one more Crayola chalk tally on the board labeled “Number of Stupid People In The World”.
Also, the man requested $200,164,000 in other damages. These are the moments when Robbie literally facepalms.
Judge Chin gave the man until October 23rd to better explain his suit or it will be dropped. I think Judge Chin should drop it anyway. Even the ghost of Charles Darwin is shaking his head in disbelief.
Here’s a quick rundown on other zany news headlines.
From AP – Cops: Feces-covered Nude Man Jumps Into Man’s Pool
There’s one way to clean yourself up.
From AP – Bangladesh Awards Farmer Who Killed 83,000 Rats
Whoa, only 83,000? Oooh… burn.
From AP – Tourism Group Changes Name, Acronym
The Wisconsin Tourism Federation wants to change their name because of the acronym? What the fuck?! Oh… wait… I get it.
From AP – Cops: Woman Fried, Ate Goldfish Amid Fight With Ex
I wonder if it was tasty.
From AP – Motorcyclist Riding With Baby Leads To 3 Arrests
How? Did they arrest the baby, too?
From Reuters – Rental Pets And Robots In “Blade Runner” Tokyo
It’s in Japan, so I’m not even going to try and make sense out of this one.
From Reuters – German Minister-To-Be Rebuffs Question In English
From what I gathered, the reporter asked him a question in English, at which point the guy responded by saying “We’re in Germany here.” Why is this news?
From Reuters – Tweeting Ugandan Gorillas Make Friends Online
Have they added Shaq too?
From Reuters – Miss Singapore World Resigns After Lingerie Fraud
Only in the high society world of fashion could you resign after using stolen credit cards to purchase lingerie. One more tally for Darwinism.
From AFP – U.S. To Teach Canadian’s French
Isn’t French one of Canada’s official languages? Yet another tally for Darwinism.
Also, I felt this was important to note. A ten-year-old British girl tried to sell her grandmother on eBay. The girl said her reasoning was that while her grandmother was cuddly, she was also annoying. I think she probably wanted to make enough to money to buy the “Ghost In The Jar”.