Alright, my two subscriptions, I have more zaniness for you today than an episode of Animaniacs.
From The Frisky – Woman Jailed For Loud Sex
According to the report I read, 48-year-old U.K. housewife Caroline Cartwright has recently spent eight weeks in jail for… you guessed it… getting some. According to the article, there were hundreds of complaints from the neighbors regarding the “noise ordinance”, and Caroline was placed on a four-year noise probation, which was allegedly violated many, many times. So, she goes to jail.
Why is this news, Robbie?
Because, I personally think the neighbors were vindictive because they probably WEREN’T getting any. And another thing, what the hell has happened to Caroline’s husband, Steve, the obvious cause for this “violation”? Nothing, not a fucking thing. Even though he has the bone that put poor Caroline in this position, not a fucking thing has happened to him over it. Gotta love those damn double-standards.
From AP – Man Allegedly Steals Ambulance With Patient Inside
Oh my god… you gotta hear this one.
According to authorities in Madison, Wisconsin, a drunken man at a Wisconsin ski resort stole… yes, stole… an ambulance that had a patient and paramedics inside. The paramedics were inside treating the patient at the time. Authorities have also failed to tell anyone in the media how the ambulance was stopped and the driver was, in fact, arrested by deputies.
It’s all because Brett Favre went to the Vikings.
From Reuters – A Tough Act To Swallow
This one doesn’t really require explanation. A man in Australia set a Guiness World Record by swallowing 18… yes, 18… swords. Holy shit, dude!
From AP – New York Boy, 11, Faces Charges Over Pencil Attack
You wanna talk about kids growing up faster these days.
According to the article, an 11-year-old boy from New Hartford, New York, about 80 miles from Albany, was having trouble with a math problem in class. One of his classmates, we’ll call him Job, was trying to help him, to which the 11-year-old in question, we’ll call him Slashy, refused. Well, Job wouldn’t stop trying to help, so Slashy got pissed and lashed out at Job with his pencil, causing a scratch that had to be treated by the school nurse.
The school’s resource officer investigated and Slashy was suspended from school and charged with felony attempted assault and misdemeanor criminal possession of a weapon.
This actually reminds me of something I feel that I must share with you. One day, not too long after the events of 9/11, my brother shot a pencil from his recorder in school. Well, the whole class was, technically, save maybe the two or three people in every class who were mindless drones, and they were all written up and sent to the principal’s office. They would all have, something to the effect of, two or three days of in-school suspension.
They weren’t shooting the pencils at each other. They were shooting them against the walls and in class lockers. Yet, for some fucking god-awful Fascist reason, they were all written up for… and I quote my brother on this one… “terroristic threats”.
I know this was the post-9/11 America we all have become somewhat accustomed to, but shit, a bunch of fucking sixth-graders are not terrorists. They are TERRORS, but not terrorists. So lame. So lame.
From AP – Virginia Man Claims Deputies Beat Him For Burping
A man who was in jail for a drunk driving charge claims that Roanoke, Virginia deputies beat the living shit out of him because he was burping due to acid reflux. The man, Thomas Scott Vandegrift, filed a federal lawsuit not only against the deputies, but also against the city, the sherrif’s office, and even the Sherrif himself.
Now, this man is no stranger to alcohol-related convictions. He plead no contest to a DUI in 2008 and was given a six-month suspended sentence, fined $7,500 and had limited driving privileges for a year. So, do you think this lawsuit holds up?
The lawsuit alleges excessive force, conspiracy to violate civil rights, and assault and battery.
There are times when I sit back and question the validity of lawsuits, and more often than not, I find lawsuits to be nothing more than Get Rich Quick Schemes. This one sounds like it may be a legit lawsuit, though the man’s history with his alcoholic friends may cut his position down to size. Personally, to me, lawsuits have been taken advantage of. Like the lady who sued McDonald’s because she spilled hot coffee on herself or the guy who sued McDonald’s because he ate a Super Sized value meal every day and got fat. I mean, come on!
Nobody sues John Madden for making football fans that much dumber or causing everyone with athlete’s foot to shell out the extra cash for Boom! Touch-Actin’ Tinactin, do you? Nobody is suing Bob Saget because he’s not like Danny Tanner in real life. Nobody is suing Lady Gaga for her infectious trance-pop tunes and outlandish outfits. Nope. These are all fine. But some fucking drunk in bumfuck Virginia is trying to sue the police for something that, honestly, he may have done to himself. Puh-lease.
One more little one before I go…
From Reuters – “Paranormal Activity” Too Scary For Italians
With a heavy sigh, I feel that I must report this one. I am Italian, after all.
According to the article, screenings of the hit indie-horror film “Paranormal Activity” is causing some people in Italy to suffer from anxiety and panic attacks. A particular 14-year-old girl is said to have been in such a state of shock, that she had to be given oxygen outside of the cineplex.
Culture Minister Sandro Bondi stated the film was given a green light to be shown without restrictions by the same committee that determines ages bans on film in the country.
Some right-wing politicians have also stated that while a it’s too late to place an age ban on the film, there needs to be guidelines and warnings for parents to understand that the movie may not be suitable for their kids.
Hehehe… Sorry, wrong country. Had to get a Palin burn in here somehow.
Anyway, there is, like, no blood in the movie and honestly, it’s not that scary. It’s no Exorcist by a long shot, and most of what is “frightening” in the film are jumpy moments that kind of creep you out. Jesus, the Goonies is probably scarier than “Paranormal Activity”.
Oh come, on! It’s been like almost eight months since he died. I think it’s time we get past it and start doing what everyone else does and mock celebrities, alive or dead. They still air that fucking South Park episode!
Would it really be that big a deal, if I say mocked this guy?
Oh wait… he’s not dead? Oh… hell… my bad, Mr Buscemi… loved you in Reservoir Dogs.
I think I’ll just continue with what I was originally talking about.
(removes head from ass)
So anyway, a consumer group, Codacons, has threatened to go to court on behalf of young people who may find the film too frightening, while Italian Defense Minister Ignazio La Russa said the films trailer should not be aired on television when children could potentially see it.
And so, I leave you all today, shaking my head and craving baked ziti.