This is the first of many blogs involving my twisted, witty, and sometimes controversial views of the Amercian sports landscape. Well, except hockey. Unless something really cool happens. Even then. Except hockey.
At this exact moment, #4 Stanford is about to do battle with #13 Virginia Tech in the Discover Orange Bowl.
Round-trip ticket to Ft. Lauderdale: about $200 (flying Southwest)
Hotel outside of Miami: $65 and an 8-ball per night
Orange Bowl Tickets: Freakin’ expensive (scapled from six fingered man with glass eye)
Watching Andrew Luck destroy Virginia Tech’s defense: priceless.
Ha! Discover card reference. I know, so three years ago, but still, allow me to be a bit clever here. I am probably one of the few people left in this world who has not made any published reference with the lame Discover card commericals blended in for Jim Gaffigan-esque comedic effect*.
*meaning kind of weird and not really funny, but you laugh because you feel like you have to.
Anyway, Stanford by 10. Calling it now.
This game is the second most important of the BCS to me, behind only the National Championship (Ducks by 7), because of it’s direct ramifications on the potential 2011 season. This game is most-likely the last one for Stanford head coach Jim Harbaugh and quarterback Andrew Luck**. Both will probably head off to the pros, Harbaugh either at the Mile High or in the Bay Area and Luck most likely wherever Harbaugh ends up. Why?
**I could have a lot of fun with puns, with this one. Wow, I rhymed.
Since I don’t think the University of Michigan is going to be a major contender for Harbaugh’s services, according to this sports guy (this where controversy sets in) he will end up in either Denver or San Francisco. As a 49ers fan (yes, I attend the support groups), I want to see Harbaugh in the Bay Area. He’s an awesome coach and a fan-favorite (a West Coast kind of guy***), and Luck will most-likely follow him. Fixes two glaring problems in 49er-land.
***That means coaching style, not that he has a Spicoli attitude.
In Denver, he comes into a system that is on the verge of collapsing harder than Andy Reid after a trip to Cici’s Pizza. Glaring issues offensively and defensively, an unstable coaching staff and office, and a brand-new GM in John Elway, who may very well try to get Terrell Davis to pull a Brett Favre and return to the game****.
****He’d probably be number one of the depth chart anyway. Moreno isn’t that good.
This to me seems like a good way to transition into the “meat” of this article. I have picked six teams that I have the strongest feeling will have different People In Charge***** in 2011.
*****If you haven’t seen the movie Wristcutters: A Love Story you totally should.
6. Carolina Panthers
I don’t think any good can come from this. I just have a feeling that when John Fox is finally ousted (since he clinched the worst record in the NFL in, like, week 14) he’ll have to sign an agreement stating that not only does he leave the team, but he isn’t allowed to set foot in the city of Raleigh ever again.
5. Cincinnati Bengals
Marvin Lewis may not be fired. He just may not want to come back. In this event, I wouldn’t put it out of the realm of possibility that Ocho Cinco, since he evidently can do more than drop passes and star in a reality TV show, would convince the Bengals front office to make him the new head coach.
The Bengals become the second 0-16 team in NFL history.
4. Tennessee Titans
Jeff Fisher’s 18-year reign as benevolent dictator of the Music City comes to an end. Finally! Kerry Collins retires. Finally! Then is appointed head coach. Dammit!
3. Houston Texans
The removal of Gary Kubiak ushers in a new era in which the team is led by… Jeff Fisher. Dammit! Fisher becomes the longest serving NFL head coach in history and still doesn’t win a Super Bowl.
2. Miami Dolphins
WARNING: Lebron is coming.
Dolphins fire Tony Sparano and Bill Parcells takes over coaching duties. In a similar move, the Miami Heat fire Erik Spoelstra and Pat Riley takes over coaching duties. Sensing change afoot, Lebron decides to “live the dream” and become a two-sport athlete. Since there are no openings in the DSRL…
The Dolphins win the friggin’ Super Bowl.
1. Oakland Raiders
Imagine if you were Tom Cable and you had the job of reporting team developments to an office in a old, dusty part of the building that seemed eerily familiar, like a hallway in a Scooby-Doo cartoon. Past the gotchic-framed pictures and cobweb infested candlesticks and nooks and crannies, you come upon a large door with an old-fashioned knocker on it (you know, the big ringed ones). The knocker Jacob Marley’s you, but you knock anyway and the door slowly opens and your ears are treated to the haunting notes of Beethoven’s Moonlight Sonata. You slowly creep into the office, your hands trembling, causing the rustling of papers and folders to blend into the music ambiently. A figure in all black hunches over the keyboard of a large, archaic grand piano. As you approach, a crash of notes startles you and the figure turns around on the bench to face you. The vampiric face of Al Davis.
Cable probably won’t get fired. He’ll more than likely disappear and become something of a legend for new head coaches in Oakland, who all will have to endure that long, terrifying walk to the office/crypt of Al Davis.
Little known fact: Al Davis has been dead since 1997.
Wow, this whole head coaching bit has been a real downer so far. So, let’s pick a team that we know won’t fire their head coach.
Hmm… how about… the obvious choice. The Patriots.
After the Pats win yet another Super Bowl, Bill Bilichek becomes the General Manager and CEO of the Patriots, as well as the new Governor of Massachusetts. Tom Brady also becomes the world’s first living saint: St. Thomas of Foxborough, the patron saint of champions. Hmm… that has an awesome ring to it.
I think I may finally be on the Brady bandwagon. Ha! I held out longer than people thought I would!
Anyway, I could ramble on and on about all this, but I need to conserve material for the next time you all are subjected to my rants. I will, however, leave you with my picks for NFL Wild Card weekend.
New Orleans Saints def. Seattle Seahawks
Philadelphia Eagles def. Green Bay Packers
New York Jets def. Indianapolis Colts
Kansas City Chiefs def. Baltimore Ravens
I’ll probably go a little more in-depth with these later on in the week, but for now, this should tide you guys over.