Sordid Apocalyptic Sports Tales

The whole rapture thing yesterday only proved that some people are, as South Park explained “sheeple”, but it also had me thinking about the end of the world. I figure that there are definitely some avenues that lend credence to the idea that “if such-and-such event happened, then it’s the end of the world”. Sports is fueled by this ideology, because let’s face it, there are many, many superstitious athletes and fans in this world.

I have compiled lists of specific events in each of the four major American sports, and even some specifically geared toward cities, that could signal the end of the world.

In the world of professional football, if the following events were to occur, we are possibly screwed:

  1. The Lions or Browns win a Super Bowl.
  2. The Potential Ghost of Al Davis turns over control of the Raiders to someone other than the Potential Ghost of Al Davis (refer to my theory that Al Davis is actually dead).
  3. The NFL fixes the 1925 Championship Controversy, which also coincides with the Cardinals winning the Super Bowl.
  4. The Bills actually win four Super Bowls in row, or hell, even one.
  5. Ryan Leaf reinstates himself and wins NFL Comeback Player of the Year.
  6. The 49ers actually live up to expectations.
  7. Matt Hasselbeck has an injury-free season.
  8. The New England Patriots finish third or last in their division.
  9. Rex Ryan comes back from the off-season having lost substantial weight.
Hmm… in basketball?
  1. The Phoenix Suns win an NBA Championship (see “Curse of the Coin Flip”).
  2. The Los Angeles Clippers win a title, then yield a dynasty.
  3. Shaquille O’Neal retires.
  4. Kobe Bryant becomes an unselfish player.
  5. Someone aside of the Ghost of Wilt Chamberlin has a 100-point game.
  6. LeBron James returns to the Cavaliers… and wins a championship.
  7. Despite being an out-dated example, I feel I must point out that it could have been argued that the world was coming to an end if any team won a title with Michael Olowokandi.
How about baseball?
  1. Obviously, if the Cubs or the Mariners win the World Series.
  2. The Yankees have a team payroll that is less than the Federal Deficit.
  3. Joe Mauer hits .400 in a season.
  4. Mark McGwire returns, and hits 75 home runs – without PED’s.
  5. Various World Series match-ups: White Sox-Cubs, Rangers-Astros, Reds-Indians.
  6. Jose Conseco writes another book, Juiced II: I Didn’t Do It, But This Is How I Would Have If I Did.
  7. An MLB salary cap.
  8. An MLB full-use instant replay policy.
  9. Bud Selig doing anything from June through the third week of August.
  10. Cole Hamels becoming 2008 Cole Hamels again.
In the sense of cities:
  1. The Cities of Cleveland and Buffalo win a major sports championship.
  2. Los Angeles gets an NFL team.
  3. The Brooklyn Nets experiment yields a title within the first couple of seasons.

About Robert L. Franklin

Ah, the About Me section - social networking's excuse for you sounding like an elitist prick. Hmm... what to say? What to say?
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