“Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss, and ends with a teardrop.”
I’m starting to wonder if the whole concept of being in a relationship with someone is just a way for me to keep inner conflict going.
Now I’m beginning to wonder if I can’t survive without inner conflict.
I spent the time not posting here (save for the last couple of weeks) in a relationship with someone I really care about. Someone who I love dearly.
It ended — bitterly.
Now, I’m in a dilemma.
First let me start off by saying that the one silver lining in the breakup is that I have figured out what’s wrong with me and what needs to be changed/fixed. Yet, I still haven’t been able to justify anything to myself regarding the actual breakup. I still find myself as in love with her as I was, if not moreso, but several new breeds of wall stand in the way.
1. I don’t want to feel like I’m falling back on her because of familiarity or because of my loneliness (I did that recently and broke someone’s heart… she didn’t deserve it).
2. I don’t want her to make an impulse decision regarding her current situation. (Lamen’s terms: I can’t make her choose between me and what she currently has… it’s not right).
3. I don’t want to run the risk of impeding my emotional recovery… despite the fact that I have historically done that anyway.
All I ever wanted for her was to be happy, and she is… for the most part. A very intriguing conversation between the two of us that ended only a short hour ago has me wondering what’s ticking in her head more than I have already.
Alas, it may not come to pass, and I have to be okay with that.
Sometimes, it feels like I’m mainlining my emotions — what I feel is indicative of what feeling I’ve metaphorically shot up. I’ve spent the last couple of weeks mourning this loss, questioning it’s legitimacy, and trying to concede my emotions. It’s not that I don’t want to face them (I’m forced to anyway), I just keep the most secret ones that way.
There are things I haven’t even told her. Things I don’t know if I should tell her.
I can’t take her free will away from her. I can’t be selfish with this — even if it develops in a way I don’t want it to. I have to let the situation resolve itself. Attempts at control of what’s around me contributed to this mess in the first place.
Whatever she chooses, I love her enough to support it. No matter what it may be.