This article was originally published at Retrojunk.com.
90’s kids. I have assembled you all here because a threat to international security is upon us. This is a day we all hoped would never happen, but feared greatly at the possibility. This threat is worse than Al-Qeada, more atrocious than Pennywise, and more evil than Satan himself. Somehow–at some point–someone decided to reanimate and revamp the most evil toy in all of human existence…
I don’t feel like I need to go over Furby’s “humble” beginnings from cute animatronic children’s toy to the Harbinger of the Apocalypse. Everyone knows of the evil that resides in these little plastic bastards.
Damn terrifying, isn’t it?
Furby is back… with a vengeance. I have been attempting to alert of the military of this, but my calls go unanswered, and at times are patched to the Lowered Expectations hotline. That’s why, 90’s kids, I am calling all of us to arms.
I sent some intelligence into Hasbro Headquarters, and they brought back this video explaining how the new Furby’s work. WARNING: This is not for the faint of heart and is more terrifying than Zeebo the Clown.
Needless to say, we cannot let this plague attach itself to the next generation. We know the horrors of this thing. We remember what it’s capable of. This is where our training with the Quake and DOOM simulators will prove their value. We must go to battle, and hopefully, gain the victory. Hasbro must be stopped! The fate of the world will depend on it.