Robert Franklin’s America, part 1: The Land of the Lawsuit

Hello readers. Today we start a new journey through our great country. Thanks to some awesome inspiration by documentary filmmaker Ken Burns, I am bringing you all my multi-part epic, Robert Franklin’s America. Today’s installment: The Land of the Lawsuit. Enjoy.

Cue patriotic music.

Man in Michigan claims Justin Bieber stole his credit card to purchase penis enlargement, drugs

Date: October 2012

According to the claimant (who is unnamed, mind you), Bieber stole his credit card to fund a penis enlargement. The claimant has also alleged that Usher went to his house and sodomized him with a firework while (very specifically) Katy Perry was being played, and that his credit card was also used to buy drugs, which he claims Bieber (very specifically) shared those drugs with Sean Combs (aka Puff Daddy, Puffy, Sean John, P. Diddy, Diddy, etc.) so they could use them in “drug-free school zones”.

That last part sounds familiar.

This must have led to Mario Lopez’s career tanking. Damn you, marijuana!

The man claims to be Selena Gomez’s father, and also claims Bieber gave the Disney Channel actress a sexually transmitted disease and got her pregnant (very specifically) on his Canadian bear-skin rug. He claims Bieber still owes him (very specifically) $426.78 for an abortion Gomez received and also states that he is “an emotional mess” and that “America must boycott Bieber’s music!” Unfortunately for all of us, this suit is still pending.

Women sue over book, “Hot Chicks with Douchebags”

Date: October 2008

Three New Jersey women sued because their photos appeared in “Hot Chicks with Douchebags”, by Jay Louis. The book is comprised of anecdotes and photos, telling the tale of one man’s search for his “inner douche” (or so I assume. I haven’t read it). However, I have read the articles about the lawsuit, and the claimant’s alleged they “were denied job promotions and suffered family humiliation.” They also claimed they were mocked as “skanks”.

I’ve gathered the book is pretty much like this, except “hot” is such a relative term…

According to the book’s publisher, Jay Louis was just exercising his First Amendment rights. Also, the suit really had no basis since the book is considered a satire.

The suit was dismissed in 2009.

Man sues Budweiser due to lack of women

Date: 1991

In 1991, a Michigan man named Richard Overton sued Anheuser-Busch for $10,000. His claims were that he “suffered emotional distress, mental injury, and financial loss because drinking beer did not make his fantasies of beautiful women in tropical settings come to life”–as he claimed the commercials advertised–and that it drove him to “buy and drink more and more Bud Light.”

You mean to tell me that it don’t matter how much of this here beer I drink,

I ain’t gonna get no beautiful women like that there commercial told me?

Needless to say, the case was dropped.

Oregon man claims NBA’s Jordan looks like him

Date: June 2006

Portland, Oregon’s Allen Heckard was tired of people claiming he looked like NBA legend Michael Jordan. He said it made him “uncomfortable.” So, he just up and decided to sue Jordan and Nike founder Phil Knight for a whopping combined figure of $832 million. Heckard cited “defamation, permanent injury, and emotional pain and suffering” against both defendants, but taking it one step further with Knight, where he adds “promoting Jordan and making him one of the most recognized people in the world.”

Apparently the fact his hands didn’t look this
meant nothing to the citizens of Portland.

Man enacts $5 million civil rights suit against himself

Date: February 2009

Robert Lee Brock, incarcerated at Indian Creek Correctional Center in Chesapeake, filed a handwritten seven-page lawsuit against himself. in February 2009. He sued on the grounds that he violated his own civil rights and religious beliefs by allowing himself to get drunk and commit crimes that got him incarcerated to the Indian Creek Correctional Center for twenty-three years. He figured that since he couldn’t gain an income in prison, the state needed to pay.

Needless to say, it was thrown out.

Making you violate your own civil rights since 1875.

Man sues Bank of America for customer service

Date: September 2009

Dalton Chiscolm could have forever gone down in history as that guy. I’ve reported on his shenanigans before (in an old blog when this story broke) and honestly, I couldn’t do a blog about lawsuits without including him.

Back in 2009, Dalton Chiscolm got really pissed off at Bank of America and decided to do what any other red-blooded American would do: sue the crap out of them. However, Chiscolm’s demands were the astronomical sum of… get this… $1,784 billion trillion dollars. Here is what that figure looks like numerically:

$1,784,000,000,000,000,000,000

Now, let’s look at this in comparison: Worldwide domestic gross product for 2008 was $60 trillion. This guy would have completely raped the world in the hypothetical win he was hoping to achieve.

Based on an average spending of $2.25 million dollars per lifetime, the institution that would probably be known as the “Chiscolm Fuck You Estate” would be able to compensate 792,888,888,888,889 people at the spending rate of $2.25 million. On the assumption of the average family being 4 people, we bump family spending to $9 million per generation. That equates to 198,222,222,222,222 generations. If each generation is give or take 25 years, then amount of time it would take to go through the payout of the lawsuit is 4,955,555,555,555,550 years. Say his lawsuit would have been taken care of the by the end of 2010, so the payments would start coming in 2011, meaning that Chiscolm’s estate would continue to have money until the year 4,955,555,555,557,561 A.D. Scientists expect the universe to destroy itself before then.

 

When this happens, the Chiscolm family will still be the richest assholes in the universe.

Ah, the lawsuit. America’s “Get-Rich-Quick” Scheme. Only in this great land of ours can someone get pissed off at their own stupidity and drain someone else’s bank account for it. Perhaps this lunacy is what we get. After all, we did kind of steal this slab of rock from the Native Americans. Of course, Indians already have the perfect revenge tactic.

The White Man came. The White Man spent. The White Man cried.

So, this concludes the first installment of Robert Franklin’s America. Before turning off the projector or lowering the curtain, or whatever visual representation you had in mind is ceased in some way, let’s recap what we’ve learned today:

Thief. Small penis. Drug pusher. Drug addict. In debt.
Roasted someone’s colon.
Provides soundtrack to colon roasting.
Loves irony.
Career died.
Got the clap. Scrambled a fetus.
Feels violated.
Denied promotions at work and suffered embarrassment because a
writer caught them getting wet over guys in Affliction T-shirts and Oakleys.
Example of relative terminology.
No amount of Bud Light will make her A.) real, or B.) want you.
Doppelgangers are real.
If you live in here, the government doesn’t owe you shit.
Has $1,784 billion trillion dollars.
Wants $1,784 billion trillion dollars.
Revolutionizing the art of real estate.

 

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About Robert L. Franklin

Ah, the About Me section - social networking's excuse for you sounding like an elitist prick. Hmm... what to say? What to say?
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