“Upon reading this article posted by ABC News, your favorite political douchebag sits at his desk, pondering what he would do if, for whatever reason, legally or not, he got his hands on what can only be described as the most valuable currency in the world… and no, it’s not gil.”
I’m going to get straight to the point. I have just read the most face-palmingly awesome idea anyone in Washington has come up with. It’s so stupid, it’s brilliant. It’s so ridiculous, it’s incredible. It’s so… so…
Eh, fuck introductory paragraphs. This doesn’t need buildup.
Should Congress fail to to extend the U.S. debt limit, then the President can ask the Treasury to print…
… wait for it…
… trillion dollar coins!
|American for “Go fuck yourself, IMF!”|
They don’t exist. Yet. However, since the House is basically kicking everything Obama proposes onto the steps like every male character from every soap opera, ever, then we as a nation hold in our hands the possibility to tell every other economy across to the globe to go fuck themselves. Which is, pretty much, the American way.
|Due to the House, Washington is seeing the suicide rate
among legislation documents skyrocket.
Of course, it’s also genuinely possible that something like this could happen too.
|Best pay-per-view ever!|
This is absolutely incredible. Digustingly incredible. I found the article by perusing around my Facebook page, stumbling across a post by an old friend of mine who is now a student at the University of North Texas. Here’s what he had to say on the matter.
“WOW! $1,000,000,000,000 coins??!!!! We don’t have enough minerals on our continental shelf to pay for our debt! These scumbag politicians need a HUGE boot up their ass! Talk about a new low to avoid fiscal RESPONSIBILITY!”
Of course, his distaste for the complete and utter economical cop-out only lead me to smile, and ponder: “what could I do with a trillion dollar coin?” And so, I present to you all:
Things I Would do with a Trillion Dollar Coin
- I would buy a lot of bagels (just because I could).
- Fuck it, I’d buy all of the Einstein Bros. locations in my area.
- In fact, there are probably lots of places I would buy… (list coming soon)
- I would hold it all the time — especially when people were over — so I could be a pompous douche. and rub it in people’s faces — Literally. I would caress and shine the coin while people watched. I call them “economic voyeurs” and watching would really turn them on.
- I would name it Richie.
- I would buy an old (but maintained) Spanish galleon, tell all of my friends and selected family members to quit their jobs, and serve as my crew. You all know this ship as The Rusty Tromboner.
- I would buy it a coat… it’s kind of cold outside.
- I would buy an over-sized Crayon bank, just so it would have it’s own room.
- Fuck it, I’d buy it it’s own room.
- I would buy a little person to follow me around and write down all of the witty things I say.
- I would buy another little person to follow me around and perform a rimshot every time I say something witty (which could serve as a cue for the other little person)
- I would buy a third little person to act as my personal assistant.
- I would buy all three little people elf outfits and make them refer to themselves as “Snap”, “Crackle”, and “Pop”.
- I would buy the Wal-Mart down the street from me, just so I can vandalize it.
- I would probably lose it somehow… then one of my friends would find it and antagonize me, citing the old playground rhyme of arrogance, “Finders keepers. Losers weepers.” Probably Kat… Yeah, most likely Kat.
Creating this list, and putting myself in a fantasy where I’m taking a dump on Richard Branson’s face, got me thinking. When I was looking at the list of the worlds richest pricks, I began to ask myself about the other side of the spectrum. Who in the world could benefit from a trillion dollar coin the most? Hmm… give me a moment.
Well, I was going to do an image search on people in the world who could use a trillion dollar coin, but what I saw started making me think about that asshole from the infomercials. I decided to stay away from that.
|For just 47 cents a day, you can help these kids grow up
so they can ultimately be killed by Joseph Kony.
Yeah, I know. That’s fucked up. Money changes people, man.
So, then I decided to stop thinking about others (in true rich douche style) and began thinking about myself again. Since trying to find visual media about people who could use a trillion dollar coin more than myself is doing nothing but depressing me and making me leave my phone in the bedroom, I began to think about what kind of ramifications could come my way if I was in possession of a trillion dollar coin, but I again said “fuck that” because, guess what, I’d have a trillion dollar coin. I could get a home defense system and/or a personal bodyguard. So yeah, fuck you.
|A user named RM73 on DeviantArt has already drawn the prototype.|
Anyway, despite the obvious risks, I can safely say that owning one of these (potentially) new trillion dollar coins would be awesome. Hell, if nothing else, it would give me an excuse to do this regularly.
|Yes, every time I do this, someone will spontaneously burst into flames.|