Disclaimer: Some of the things said in this post may or may not be true. This post is just comedy. Please, do not take offense to the content, lest you want to be dragged into the desert and violated by a camel.
In a shocking announcement from Vatican City, Pope Benedict XVI is stepping down, becoming the first Pope to resign voluntarily in over seven-hundred years. His tenure has been brief and marred by the sex abuse scandal, but that didn’t stop Pope Benedict XVI (real name Joseph Ratzinger) from continuing the Catholic traditions of hate-mongering homosexuality and waging war against lubricated latex.
Benedict XVI cites his health and age as the reason why he cannot continue his tenure as Pope, but what’s funny is that plenty of Popes in the past haven’t resigned, despite their ill health. It makes me wonder. Could it be possible that Pope Benedict XVI, one of the oldest elected Popes in history, could have been coerced into resignation? The more I thought about this, the more my inner conspiracy theorist came out, and the clearer the answer became.
That’s right. I figured it out! The Pope resigning is because of Ronaiah Tuiasosopo, the guy who, as we all know, is responsible for the Manti Te’o girlfriend hoax that swept the nation like reality television at the end of last year. But why, Tuiasosopo? Why would you force the Pope to resign? I thought some more about it, then it hit me. Ronaiah Tuiasosopo got the Pope’s resignation because he wanted to create a new TV “reality” show!
Using my powers of deduction, I’ve concluded that the whole point of Tuiasosopo making the Pope step down was to take “reality” television to a whole new level. Screw shows about people bidding on defaulted storage units, making duck whistles, and overweight, hillbilly children competing in beauty competitions. The real money is in religion.
So, I wonder. Who would compete in Celebrity Pope?
Let’s Meet the (Possible) Contestants:
Seth MacFarlane, on his contribution to the Catholic Church: “I’m the freakin’ Pope!”
William Shatner on his bid to be the next Pope: “I… think-that… being… the-Pope… would-be… an… amazing-boost… to-my-career… KAHN!!!!!”
Flavor Flav on why he entered the competition: “… FLAAAAAVVVV!”
Brett Michaels on how he would approach the people of Vatican City: “Talk dirty to me…”
Mike Sorrentino on why he wants to be the next Pope: “…” (he fist pumped)
Christian Siriano on why he entered the competition: “Because there needs to be style. I’m thinking religious-chic, with some added pazzazz.”
Donald Trump on what he hopes to accomplish as Pope: “Make everyone prove they’re actually Catholic.”
Jeremiah on why he should be the next Pope: “… what?”
June Shannon on why she should be the next Pope: “Welp, I think it’s perty messed up that this here Pope thingamajigger has always been a man’s thang. I think me and mah Hunny-Boo-Boo Chile could make these here Cath-o-lick’s –” (we cut her off)
Gary Busey on what being the next Pope would do for him personally: “I’d get better acting roles.”
Terrell Owens on how he would approach the Papacy: “Well, hopefully I don’t have another argument with my Cardinals that cause tension in the Vatican locker room.”
And finally, none other than…
Ronaiah Tuiasosopo himself!
Ronaiah Tuiasosopo on why he decided to create and star in Celebrity Pope: “So I can prove to Manti Te’o how much I love him.”
Becuase of out culture’s dependence on the idiosyncratic “reality” television, this isn’t something that I would write off. I mean, over the last few years, reality TV has hit an all-time low, thanks in part to TLC, which as we all know has had such hits as “Sarah Palin’s Alaska”, “John & Kate +8”, “Kate +8 (aka John is an asshat)”, and “Here Comes Honey-Boo-Boo (aka Hillbilly Beauty Pageant Spectacular)”. So, it’s a very conceivable notion that Celebrity Pope would be a huge deal.
I just want to say, for the record, that I acknowledge whole-heartedly that this is probably one of the most fucked up things I’ve ever let my imagination come up with, and while I decided to share this with the world, the fact remains that if I hadn’t booked my one-way trip to Hell yet, then I damn sure did with this post. You know what else is fucked up? If you read this, and laughed, you’re going to Hell, too.
Cheers all. See you in the brimstone.