The World of Banned Super Bowl Commercials

While I’m still stinging from the heartbreaking events of Super Bowl XLVII, I have been pondering why the advertisements during this year’s game were… what’s the word?… shitty. Historically, Super Bowl ads have been hit and miss, but there were always at least a few that really moved away from the pack, such as the Old Spice guy who your man could smell like or even this little piece that makes it’s mark from sheer comic absurdity:

But, this post isn’t about those ads, or even the lame ones that did make the cut. In this episode of The Zephyr Lounge, we honor the Super Ads that didn’t make the cut. The one’s that were submitted… and rejected. The one’s that never saw the light of day, until they were uploaded to YouTube. Today, we honor the money wasted by national corporations in an effort to get their brand noticed on the biggest stage television has to offer.

Let’s start with rejected ads from this year. There were many, but we’re only going to show three of them. Keep in mind, these were recovered from YouTube. If you happen to get some kind of commercial beforehand, I apologize in advance. YouTube kind of sucks nowadays.

Yes, this is “controversial” PornHub advertisement that CBS rejected, and rightfully so. Old people on a park bench? Jesus, I can’t believe that this was something that could have been exposed to our children! This is an outrage! This is blasphemous! This is hurting the moral fabric of our country!

Yeah, right. Two old people in a park isn’t distasteful, no matter who the company is. Shit, this could have been an ad for Spearmint Rhino and it still shouldn’t have been banned. Of course, we did get to see this one.

I think I hate Doritos that much more now...

I think I hate Doritos that much more now…

So, CBS is dismissive of old people in a park and has no problem with transvestites. This is worthy of a head-shake and a sigh. Onto the next banned ad from Super Bowl XLVII.

This ad is for SodaStream, some contraption you can use to make your own fizzy, carbonated beverages in your own home. Why did CBS refuse this one? Because they claimed the attack made on it’s competitors — Coca-Cola and Pepsi — was too “explicit”. Whatever that means. Anyway, another ad banned for a dumb reason. Onto the third and final video from Super Bowl XLVII.

This is the commercial that prompted my buddy Tiger T. Tiger to freak out, vomit in his mouth, do a line of catnip, and post the following Facebook status:

Go Daddy… No daddy! That was awful. #godaddy #superbowlcommercial

The version that was shown — the so-called “PG version” — was actually a shorter version of this one, which I concur, is way more horrifying than the one the nation saw on Super Bowl Sunday.

Now that 2013 is taken care of, were taking a look back at some rejected ads from 2012, including this one. I’m going to warn you. This is kind of disturbing, but had it aired, it would have been the best ad of the year.

I’m not sure which condom company this is (I would guess Durex), but that’s a pretty fucked up way to make sure people use condoms when they have sex. The ad screams, “use condoms, or your son will kill you at birth, nuke your cat, kill his friends, murder a mother and her daughter, and rob a bank”. Of course, that is basically summarizing the images in the video, but I thought you should mentally picture it again.

After the ad was rejected, the condom manufacturer took their name off it, but I still think it’s probably Durex. Trojan commercials tend to be insensitive to ancient cultures.

Note: After a bit of digging, I found out this actually was a Durex commercial. I knew it!

The people at Anheuser-Busch combined many great elements of comedy for this bit: stereotypical Asian people, robots, a dying friend, and beer. I found this ad to be absolutely hysterical, but because it’s “racially insensitive”, NBC refused to air it.

The first CareerBuilder.com ad I remember seeing involved a repetitious explanation of reasons why someone would hate their job and want a new one. That ad also involved a koala getting punched. This ad was rejected by NBC for Super Bowl XLVI because the Lincoln Park Zoo thought showing chimpanzees in this light would lead to “less conservation”.

So what does this do for Koala conservation?

So what does this do for Koala conservation?

With 2012 taken care of, let’s jump back one more year and look at the rejects from 2011, or Super Bowl XLV.

For those of you who may not know, AshleyMadison.com is a social networking site where members can fuck around on their spouses. This advertisement, one of the most talked about in the weeks leading up to Super Bowl XLV, features a porn star, a capibara, a sleek, purple vehicle, wardrobe transformations, girl-on-girl action, a furry, and a fireball that removes the porn star’s clothes. On top of all that, the YouTube video I used has nearly 300 comments, most of which involve people arguing over adultery, sodomy, blowjobs, and family values. This commercial kicks ass!

I honestly had no idea this one existed until just now. Fox rejected this ad from JesusHatesObama.com for what I can assume are blatantly obvious reasons. The only thing I’m confused about is why the Jesus figurine knocked the Obama bobble-head into a fish bowl. I mean, that can’t be the fullest extent of Jesus’ powers, right?

Our final rejected advertisement comes from Doritos.

Let’s examine this ad a bit. We are in a sauna. A weird looking white dude is sitting extremely close to the relaxed, beautiful specimen that is the black guy. The white guy examines him, tracing his chiseled musculature with his eyes, slightly intimidated and breathless. He looks down, then quickly turns away, in awe of what he had just bore witness. He looks up, then gracefully averts his gaze back to the treasure that sat between the sexy, black man’s legs. He reaches down, catching the black man’s attention, placing him in a confused state. He stares at the white guy, who looks away, still holding… his Doritos.

The commercial ends, continuing it’s homoerotic tone. The black man has his arm around the white guy, feeding him a Dorito, and sensually asking, “you like that?”

You know he does.

So, for those of you who read this blog, I’m proposing a challenge. I have placed nine videos in this blog and what to know which one you think is the best rejected Super Bowl ad from the last three years. Cheers guys. Happy voting. Results will be posted when the poll expires (one month from today).

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About Robert L. Franklin

Ah, the About Me section - social networking's excuse for you sounding like an elitist prick. Hmm... what to say? What to say?
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One Response to The World of Banned Super Bowl Commercials

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