So, here’s the story. I get a text message from my wife, gleefully telling me about this website. Apparently, at one time, you could give this company money and they would take care of your pet in the event of a rapture. I’m assuming this was relevant when our old friend Harold Camping — also known as God’s Crackpot Mathematician — predicted the world would end on May 21, 2011. Since we didn’t die then — or last December, for that matter — I’m assuming this whole “save your pet when the Horseman cometh” business proved to be a failed endeavor.
I went to the website, and agreed with the wife. This was downright hilarious. So, in the interest of starting a new category of entries devoted entirely to the craziness of the internet, I bring you all the inaugural blog for Surfing the Waves. Let’s explore Eternal Earthbound Pets! The main page begins with a notice that, sadly, the service is no longer available. Surprise, surprise.
Apparently, Jesus doesn’t like your pets. But never fear! Atheists are here!
They’re available in 27 states?! That’s epic! But, let’s examine the price structure. For a small fee of $135, if the rapture occurs within a decade of your payment, Eternal Earthbound Pets will save one of the pets from your home and ensure a comfortable existence for the remainder of said pets natural life. Hmm… sounds like a sweet deal. Also, for an additional $20 a pet, they’ll take more pets from your home and ensure a comfortable existence for the remainder of said pets natural life. However, I wonder… Hypothetically speaking, let’s say Billy Bob Joe Bob Willis has four dogs, three cats, two birds, a ferret, a tank containing seven fish, and an ant farm. The ant farm is large and contains, say, six-hundred ants. Billy Bob Joe Bob Willis — ever the sketchy redneck from Bumfuckleberry County (thanks, Cracked!) — also has a teenage girl chained and gagged in his bedroom. In fear of the rapture, Billy Bob Joe Bob Willis contacts our friends at Eternal Earthbound Pets and wants all of his pets covered. He has a total of 618 pets, since each creature is labeled individually. So, the mathematical equation to determine how much money Billy Bob Joe Bob Willis is as follows:
135 + (617 x 20) = $12,475
To ensure the survival of each of his pets, Billy Bob Joe Bob Willis from Bumfuckleberry County will need to fork over $12,475. Looks like our Redneck buddy should call TLC and tell them of his plight. They could film his quest to get the money and air it between Here Comes Honey Boo-Boo and Duck Dynasty.
Well, looks like I wasted the Billy Bob Joe Bob Willis example. It was fun picking at hillbillies for a moment. However, I do find it interesting that in some states they will save horses, llamas, donkeys, and… camels?! Who the fuck owns a camel?! Maybe there could be a new TLC show in this after all. Speaking of camels?
What the fuck?! Atheist camel?! I have nothing to say… So, that’s the main page of Eternal Earthbound Pets. Next, we will explore the website’s Frequently Asked Questions section. This should be entertaining.
Can anyone ever really be certain that your information won’t be misused or circulated? Hell, these days hackers do an amazing job at getting information and totally butt-fucking the unsuspecting fools in horrible, prison-raping kinds of ways. If you use a debit or credit card to give them your money, there goes your accounts. Personal information — like names, birthdays, addresses, telephone numbers — easily susceptible to these guys living in their mother’s basements, who’s “other car is a Millennium Falcon”.
In today’s scattered, illogical, unsafe internet, nothing is sacred. Even then, sometimes, it’s an inside job… For whatever reason, I find the fact the second question’s basis lies in the fact they’re atheists is absolute hilarity. I will say this, Eternal Earthbound Pets’ answer to the obviously bigoted question was very well put. Christians, remember, just because someone doesn’t believe in God, doesn’t mean they’re an immoral person, and in this case, it means they obviously can take care of pets in a post-apocalyptic wasteland way better than you ever could. Since, you know, Jesus is technically making you abandon them!
My opinion on both of these questions. Why the hell does it matter?! You’re going to be whisked into Heaven by the Lord Jesus, abandoning said pet(s) anyway. There is no way for you to be sure anything is going to happen. Hell, Eternal Earthbound Pets may not even survive the rapture! I mean, fire, brimstone, demons; apocalypses are typically destructive, yeah? Unless they plan on taking them underground to coexist with the mole people, the survival of your beloved (but abandoned) pet is not anymore guaranteed than Tiger Wood winning another PGA event. But, it still might be a good investment. You never know. Maybe Tiger will win another PGA event.
Do you have a special needs pet? Eternal Earthbound Pets is completely non-discriminatory. Worms? No problem. Cancer? Absolutely! Does Billy Bob Joe Bob Willis’ chained person Down’s Syndrome? Sure! Well, nevermind. They don’t accept people. However, if you have an autistic camel, then bet you’re ass they’ll make the necessary accommodations.
I’m willing to bet that if a family member of yours was left behind, leaving your pet with them might be the worst thing you could do. According to the Revelation of John the Baptist — and it’s incredibly graphic Gnostic director’s cut, The Apocalypse of Peter — the people left behind on Earth are pretty much fucked. Aside of the aforementioned fire, brimstone, demons, and Horsemen, those unlucky bastards left on Earth are to be tortured, mutilated, and killed at the hands of Hell’s siege. Needless to say, your beloved pet is totally screwed in this case. Your pet miniature horse shall burn along with the souls of the damned!
Noooooooo!!! Li’l Sebastian!!!!!
The final question — which was accidentally cut off my phone — inquires about how a measly $135 could possibly take care of your pet. Well, riddle me this. Is there any way to actually tell how far $135 will go in the Devil’s Inferno? I mean, if rioting has taught us anything, then chances are most of the things Eternal Earthbound Pets will use to take care of your beloved Fluffner will be pillaged from the burning flesh of some poor bastard getting anally raped by Beelzebub. There’s an image for you. Let that sink in for a moment, then examine the Terms and Conditions with me!
Here’s where we get to the legal crap. Even after you pay them, if Mr. Snuggles runs away, gets hit by a drunk in an Escalade, or is given to your crazy Aunt Shirley, then your money is lost. Also, you’ve forfeited the $135 if the rapture doesn’t occur within a decade of your payment. Sorry dudes, if God lets you down, then he robbed you, too. This is proof the Big Man has a sense of humor. I mean, shit, this and Pope Benedict XVI being the first to resign in 700 years? You can’t even come up with a valid argument. Don’t even try.
As proof Eternal Earthbound Pets is the leader in saving your pets from the wrath of God, you, the consumer, cannot move outside of their service area. This means there are twenty-three states off-limits. Sorry, buddy. Don’t accept that out-of-state job offer. You could be screwing over Penelope. Also, don’t die or lose your faith. You still won’t get your money back. What would you expect from the leader in pet saving due to the Rapture?
Remember what I said before about how you should not leave your pet with a family member who was not cool enough to join Jesus’ clique in Heaven? Well, aside of you signing Cornelius’ death warrant, you still won’t get your money back. Yup, just another thing to put on the list of “Ways Eternal Earthbound Pets Can Legally Deny You A Refund”. Keep in mind, bukowski, that you only get the services listed on the website, so if, say, you’re Billy Bob Joe Bob Willis and you have a ferret, fish tank, ant farm, or a captive human sex pet, then consider services denied. Also, if Fifi is accustomed to being pampered by Bruno the Pet Primper, then you better cut the bitch off. Chances are Bruno the Pet Primper is going to be anally raped by a demon anyway. There’s no way Jesus is letting that queen join his club of Christian warriors.
As with any contract by a relatively sketchy service, all sales are final and you must be at least 21 to enter. Again, Eternal Earthbound Pets is the leader in animal saving due to God’s unparalleled, mounting anger.
Here’s how to sign up!
This looks like a pretty solid contractual agreement.
Happy hunting, and good luck to your abandoned pets!