What is a girl question? A girl question is a specific question, or question set, asked by the female of the relationship at the absolute worst moment, involving the absolute worst hypothetical situations she can come up with at the time. It’s that moment when the 49ers are down by four and marching up the field for a nail-biting fourth quarter comeback and out of nowhere, she wants to know what you would do if she was unable to bear your children. It’s that moment when you wish you would have accepted your buddies’ invite to watch the game at Tilted Kilt. It’s that moment when you wish your signifiant other was mute.
See “relationship entrapment”.
Alas, this is an inevitability in every relationship. I have learned to accept it, and you, the mammoth-killing, species-saving, Superman with a superiority complex you are, need to accept it as well. But don’t fret. I’m here for you. The following text contains 10 girl questions I have been asked over the course of my romantic history and the answers I gave that kept me from listening to a three hour, tear-filled tirade about how she’s afraid of being her mother, or sleeping on the couch with SportsCenter repeats playing on TV*.
*As awesome as that may sound, it always results in a black mark on the Sexual Privileges List, meaning that the next time you and your lovely (yet sometimes insane) counterpart have sex, she may revoke your blow job privileges.
Before we begin, I’m issuing a disclaimer. The following analysis is based solely on my personal experiences, nothing more. I don’t have a doctorate or anything when it comes to how women act, nor is there any way to obtain one. When it comes to the opposite sex, it’s a guessing game, like walking through a confusing labyrinth, and every experience you learn from is like using a lipstick tube to remember which way you’ve gone and which way need to be heading. Again, I am not an expert when it comes to women. No man ever is.
Yes, I’m calling you out Steve Harvey.
1. Question: “Would you leave me if you ever found out we were related?”
— The Answer Men Want to Give: “Umm… yes.”
— The Answer Men Need to Give: “Honey, I would love you no matter what the circumstance.”
There are very few things more stigmatic in our culture than having sexual relations with a relative (readers from the deep Southern backwoods: this means you). But if I may detour for just a moment.
According to geneticists, everyone on Earth is at least 50th cousins with everybody else on Earth. Also, if you are to take the text of the Bible literally (“Creationist” readers: this means you), we are all descended from two idiots who lived in a garden and were hardcore pranked by a talking snake.
Think about that for a moment.
Even still, with science and the world’s most widely practiced religions telling us that we’re boning family, we still have this paralyzing stigma about it, thus bringing us to a girl question that is asked more often than you think. Of course, our cultural upbringing would have us answer with the most powerful “no” we could possibly imagine, but the truth is that it doesn’t matter who you end up with, your still going to be banging one of your ancestor’s great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-granddaughters.
Explaining this made my head hurt. Women, I think you’re starting to grasp at straws with this question.
2. Question: “Would you still think I was pretty if I lost my legs in a terrible car accident?”
— The Answer Men Want to Give: “No. I have a policy about not being with people who don’t have legs.”
— The Answer Men Need to Give: “I think you’re beautiful no matter what.”
Believe it or not, I have been asked this exact, and very specific, question before. At first, I had no idea how to respond. I played it back visually, focusing on her legs, then imagined them being savagely taken off of her body, like in a Saw film, making her resemble an unlucky Vietnam veteran by the time the John Dorian-like fantasy was over. Needless to say, I was horrified, but being the kind, sensitive man I am, I took a deep breath and responded with the appropriate comment.
Many will not attest to this, but the way someone looks is very important (as women clearly demonstrate). Having an attractive other-half not only scores you props — and envy from — your boys, but also does wonders for your self-esteem. You’re more confident knowing you are intimately involved with a beautiful woman, and she definitely reciprocates, so it becomes an amazing circle of self-worth and conceit. It’s the American dream.
Now, imagine she had her legs cut off. I’m willing to bet that almost every single one of you pictured that beautiful specimen of femininity as your sisters’s Barbie doll you mutilated as a child. Then, you cringed at the thought of being between her legs and instead of grabbing them for leverage, two deformed stubs have pincered your torso. I know that I would not be in to that, but you know, some might find it hot in a David Lynch sort of way.
But we’re not talking to you guys.
This question stems from a woman’s obsession with being attractive, and while many of them fear death or insanity or not being able to match their clothes, I’m willing to bet they’re afraid of disfigurement more. In our plastic society of anorexic models and conformist media, it’s insatiably unattractive, and what’s worse, it’s permanent. You guys have to ease her fear, especially since the chances of that happening are slim. Very slim. She just wants to be sexy for you, and studies have shown that men find legs — especially long ones — to be very arousing and one of the first things we notice about a woman.
We know that from first-hand experience. She knows that from Cosmo.
3. Question: “Does this [insert article of clothing] make me look fat?”
— The Answer Men Want to Give: “Dear God, please, I beg you, kill me right now.”
— The Answer Men Need to Give: “You look beautiful as always.”
We live in an age where women are desperate to replicate what they see in movies and on television, while also learning about female-things from the genuinely fucked up women who write for Cosmo. Today’s women are one-part feminine terrorist, one-part June Cleaver, and one-part scared little girl, shaken, not stirred, and no where is it more obvious than the instances when she delivers an inquiry using the most dreaded series of words a man could ever hear in his life: “Does this make me look fat?”
For generations, men have cringed when this death sentence has been uttered from the rouged lips of the opposite sex, and honestly, there is no right answer. No girl question has destroyed more lives than this one, so men, when it happens, you have to bite the bullet. You have to tell her the truth. Well, for the most part.
Here’s how you go about not slaughtering your masculinity — a complement in defense. As I wrote above, you can get out of this with a simple, yet genuine, “you look beautiful, as always”. It moves away from the topic due to it’s vague nature, but the appeal to a woman’s vanity will remove all evidence that she even asked the question. She’ll smile and ask something to the effect of “you think so?”, then go back to looking at herself in the mirror while you nod like a total jackass. When she disappears back into the dressing room, wipe the sweat from your brow and silently praise yourself with a daydream of drinking beer served by a nearly-naked Lisa from accounting.
Be prepared though. Break the trance before she gets out, and repeat the process, if necessary. It could very well be necessary.
4. Question: “If I were diagnosed with [random rare/terminal disease], would you still love me?”
— The Answer Men Want to Give: “No. Especially if you’re contagious.”
— The Answer Men Need to Give: “Absolutely, my love. I would devote myself to taking care of you.”
We Americans fear many things, but very few compare the psychological torture that accompanies obtaining a rare and/or terminal ailment. Whether it be STD’s or cancer or Lou Gherig’s Disease, the magnitude of illness is something that could keep you up at night.
There are several reasons women would ask this question, most of which involve affirmation that your relationship is solid, and at times, that can be taken one step further. She may be trying to figure out if there is any chance you’ll cheat on her. I know, this sounds like a wild assumption, especially since she’s using herself as the example, but here me out.
Let me tell you a story about a couple who we’ll call Jimmy and Amber. When Amber and Jimmy start dating, she gets tested for STD’s, and comes back negative. Jimmy gets tested as well, and garners the same result. They date for a while, then the relationship becomes strained. Jimmy goes on a business trip to Tijuana and fucks a Mexican prostitute named Consuela, contracting a vicious infection known as Chancroid*. Jimmy comes home feeling guilty, and taking a stroll down Stupid Guy Avenue, makes up with Amber.
They have sex like crazy for the next couple of weeks, during which time Amber notices something strange popping up on her snatch. She goes to the doctor, gets diagnosed with Chancroid, and since she didn’t fuck that guy at the club, despite her desire to do so, she concludes Jimmy fucked some whore in Tijuana. Which, as we all know, he did.
When she comes home, she pretends like everything is fine and she and Jimmy have wild sex again. While cuddling, she turns to him and asks very gently if he would leave her if she came down with some horrific ailment. Jimmy smiles, bottling his man-rage, and tells her “no”, at which point she gets up, quickly covering her good parts, then tears into Jimmy. She shreds him, calling him a liar and a cheat, but with more expletives. She kicks Jimmy out in the rain (yes, it’s raining), and he has to go to the nearest Motel 6 and jerk off to a partially scrambled Skinemax flick.
*Chances are, you may not have heard of Chancroid. Let me tell you, I’ve seen pictures of it and I would rather have AIDS. Let that sink in a bit before continuing.
This is an example of how women use these girl questions to flip the tables from her own insecurity to straight-up verbal assault and aggressive accusation. Amber knew Jimmy fucked around on her when she learned it was Chancroid, and lured him into the emotional boxing ring by pretending to want reassurance. This happens a lot, so the moral of this example is don’t fuck around on her.
Also, I must point out that other times when this is asked, it’s because she’s feeling insecure. So, if you’re not like Jimmy, that’s why she’s badgering you. Reassure her without any sort of consequences. However, if you are like Jimmy, she’s about to call you out on something, so fess up quick and accept your fate. Who knows? Maybe your honesty will keep her from consulting those crazy bitches who write for Cosmo about revenge tactics. Many of those are goddamned horrifying.
5. Question: “Do you think [insert female celebrity] is prettier than me?”
— The Answer Men Want to Give: “No, dear. But, Isabella Soprano? I’d fuck the shit out of her.”
— The Answer Men Need to Give: “No, baby.” (Sing Prince’s “The Most Beautiful Girl in the World”)
It goes without saying that no matter how beautiful your woman is, there is someone in the world more beautiful than her. It’s a fact of life, and believe it or not, most women accept that… even outside of her own insecurities. Women can be realists, but here’s the kicker. Even though they understand there are sexier women out there than themselves, we men are not supposed to know and/or acknowledge that.
Some men are lucky enough to have a woman in their lives who acknowledges her own bisexual tendencies, but those of you who aren’t, this is a goddamned bear trap. As with many other girl questions, the stakes are high, but in this specific circumstance, you could give your woman a complex.
Let’s pay another visit to Jimmy and Amber, but in an alternate timeline where Jimmy did not take a business trip to Tijuana, fuck Consuela, get a flesh-eating STD, give it to Amber, get outed on the cheating, and resort to watching scrambled Skinemax. Amber is in her mid-20’s and healthy, with medium-sized boobs, light brown hair, and hazel eyes. She and Jimmy are watching Transformers on Netflix one night, cuddling on the couch with a bowl of kettle corn in between them. When the best part of the movie comes on — you know, the black screen with scrolling words — Amber turns to Jimmy and asks him: “Do you think Megan Fox is prettier than me?”, catching Jimmy off-guard since he is more than likely thinking about the nine-thousand things he would do to Megan Fox.
For the sake of the example, Amber isn’t one of the awesome women I just spoke of and is very insecure about her body. Also, for the sake of example, Jimmy takes Amber’s requests about total honesty seriously and tells her the truth, which is an earth-shattering “yes”. Amber will either, a.) be taken aback by Jimmy’s comments, get hysterical, demand to know what makes Megan Fox prettier than her, and throw lamps, prompting Jimmy to go down to the Tilted Kilt and slam brews while she sits on the couch, under a blanket, sucking down Ben & Jerry’s while watching Bridget Jones’ Diary. Or, b.) she’ll become curious about it — this curiosity is fake, men — ask what makes Megan Fox more attractive then her, become passive, ask more questions, become a little less passive, consult a plastic surgeon on the prices of boob-jobs and liposuction, become even less passive, dye her hair and doll herself, become even less passive, stop eating, then become passive-aggressive. When Jimmy confronts her about her changes and the consultation bills on their credit card, Amber explodes on him, screaming hysterically that he “should just go fuck Megan Fox” because she’s “more [his] type”, and throw lamps, prompting Jimmy to go down to the Tilted Kilt and slam brews while she sits on the couch, under a blanket, sucking down Ben & Jerry’s while watching Bridget Jones’ Diary. See? Each avenue resulted in the same outcome.
Life sucks for Jimmy, apparently.
So, men, this is the time when your shitty singing skills will come in handy, and who better to sing than the Sultan of Sensuality, Prince/The Artist Formerly Known As Prince/The Artist/Strange Man-Woman Symbol? Even though a lot of you can’t sing, to your woman, it’s the attempt that counts. Use it in conjunction with verbal reassurance that [random female personality] is not more attractive than her, and you will not only avoid Jimmy’s other fate, but you may even get to be a little more dirty in bed that night.
We all know what that means. Well, except for Jimmy.
6. Question: “Do you love me?”
— The Answer Men Want to Give: “Not at the moment, crazy woman.”
— The Answer Men Need to Give: “Forever and for always, my love.”
There’s that word. L-O-V-E. Few individual words strike more fear in a man’s heart, and no, it doesn’t stem from elementary school blacktop trauma. However, those pedestrian lyrics do reveal a startling amount of truth:
“First comes love,
Then comes marriage,
Then here comes [male being teased] with a baby carriage”
Little did those annoying freckle-faced, buck-toothed little girls know that their incessant rambling was an epic case of precognition. The word “love” is listed first, then with the necessary signatures in place, the saber-tooth tiger slaying king of the primates’ natural instincts are neutered. Despite our cultural attitudes toward commitment and the developing of a family, primitive man did not believe in such malarkey. Primitive man boned anything with a pussy in those days, and those traits still exist within the species to this day, hence why men are more likely to have insane amounts of casual sex with women.
Yet, “love” is something our society — especially those of the female persuasion — hold so very dear to our cultural identity. Hell, Hallmark and Hershey’s created a goddamned holiday in honor of it, despite the same day being a pre-existing feast for a Catholic martyr. With that in mind, of course our women need reassurance when it comes to love. It eases their mind about everything from whether you’re cheating to what you’re getting them for Valentine’s Day. Unfortunately for us, this abomination to primal order comes with a heftier price. Every February 14th, moths end up taking residence in our wallets.
7. Question: “You’re never going to cheat on me, right?”
— The Answer Men Want to Give: “If you don’t stop asking me all these stupid questions, you’re goddamned right I am!”
— The Answer Men Need to Give: “No, honey. Never.”
Have you guys noticed a theme here? A lot of these questions stem from a woman’s insecurity, and just for the sake of clarification and reiteration, it is partially our fault. Our women love us and are petrified about losing us, which does add extra stress to our lives and can, at times, push us away slightly, making the process worse. Do we blame our women? No, we don’t. Well, we shouldn’t. The blame needs to be placed on the media, namely Cosmo magazine and Bravo “reality” shows.
This brings us to another coma-inducing girl question. This one is parasitic to other girl questions, it’s diction weaving in and out of such hits as “Do you love me?” and “Does this make me look fat?” This question is also so commonly asked, that it begs a response that borders on ultimatum. Men are so annoyed by this question, there have been instances when they’ve turncoat on their relationships because of it.
In all honesty, women are a culture that need reassurance, due to the 33% of them made up of scared little girl. She needs to be cuddled at this time. Your touch is just as important as the words themselves. Just remember, it’s not necessarily your woman’s fault. It’s Cosmo’s.
8. Question: “What did you do all day, honey?”
— The Answer Men Want to Give: “Well, I talked about your tits with the guys at work around the water cooler, undressed Lisa in accounting with my eyes and fantasized about fucking her on her desk, had lunch with the guys at this restaurant with this slutty waitress, undressed and fantasized about Lisa in accounting again, left work, ate some chicken strips, then came home. You?”
— The Answer Men Need to Give: “Oh, the same thing I do every day, honey. Worked and rushed home to you.” (Give her a big smile)
Men are creatures of routine. Guess what? Our women know that. When they ask this question — also a parasitic question to others — she wants an answer that reflects our habitual nature. She knows your schedule — wake up, scratch, shower, scratch, fart, go to work, be miserable, leave work, scratch, fart, come home, be miserable, eat, scratch, be miserable, go to bed — and any deviation from said schedule peaks curiosity… and paranoia. She questions your faithfulness and honesty, and if romantic-comedies have taught us anything, this is when the crazy best friend –played by Melissa McCarthy — gives her wild ideas about how to catch you in the act. Whether you’re actually fucking up or not, you’re looking at over sixty minutes of slapstick incidents and an Irish character who becomes a love interest.
If you do, in fact, deviate from your routine, and she interrogates you about it, try to make your deviations part of the routine. Obviously, telling her you went out to Tilted Kilt with the boys after work is a bad idea (see “paranoia in women’s interpersonal relationships”), but a “business meeting” is a good idea, especially if you work in a position that requires business meetings. However, since lying is a huge black mark against you, it’s going to be in your best interest to just tell her what’s going on. A phone call en route to guy time is all that’s necessary, and if you’re the good-guy, non-cheating type (which I hope you are), she’ll understand.
But what if you’re significant other doesn’t like you hanging out with your boys? Well, to put it bluntly, she needs to get over it. Cosmo teaches our women that they need to have control over their men — metaphorically putting a leash on us, if you will — and striking fear into them as a way to, in a sense, neuter. We need time away with the guys, and the sooner women figure that out and stop assuming the worst, the chances of a girl question like this completely disappearing into the traumatic past increases greatly.
Understand this, women. It benefits you just as much as us.
9. Question: “What are you thinking about?”
— The Answer Men Want to Give: “My past girlfriends who never asked me these stupid questions.”
— The Answer Men Need to Give: “Our future, my love.”
There are many things men actually think about, way more than women give us credit for. Aside of the normal man thoughts — booze, boobs, sandwiches, sports, etc. — we actually ponder everything from current events, how to keep from killing co-workers, and even, yes, our relationships.
Unfortunately, women tend to push the issue, and the question “what are you thinking out?” is usually a sign that she wants to talk about your relationship. It may not even be because she’s unhappy or feels like something is wrong. She may just want to get an idea of how you, the man, feels about how things are going or what you, the man, thinks about the future.
However, these women don’t seem to have any clue how intimidating this question is. Or, alternatively, and way more sinisterly, they actually do understand how intimidating the question is and are using it to their advantage to try and catch you, the man, in a compromising thought process.
Such as boobs.
10. Question: “What if I got pregnant?”
— The Answer Men Want to Give: “Ahhhhhhhhhh!” (Head explodes)
— The Answer Men Need to Give: “Then we would have a beautiful baby to take care of and symbolize our love.”
There are many milestones in a relationship, even beyond the pressures of anniversaries, birthdays, and Valentine’s Day. When men finally pop the question, that means other women are off the table indefinitely. When the engagement ends and the reception is over, that shackle on your finger means that other women don’t exist. However, no milestone is scarier than pregnancy.
Men go through a whirlwind when it comes to the idea of siring children. At first, we realize that the nights of hanging out with the guys and boozing are coming to an end. This causes the man to compensate for that, becoming that guy who spends every weekend out while their girlfriend/wife/baby mama stays at home, unable to consume alcohol, endure loud music, and certain foods, watching their bodies get wonky, and throwing up all day, everyday. This causes men to feel guilty (well, most men), so they stay home with their disfigured other-halves, which ultimately gets them in the planning. This prompts the man to begin feeling a little more comfortable with the process, which opens the flood gates, and basically contractually obligates the man to make a run to Taco Bell at two in the morning for chicken burritos with extra guacamole sauce and pineapple chunks. It’s a complex nine months, but when it’s at its end, men and their women are closer. Well, most men.
However, we have to emphasize the beginning of the cycle, when men are terrified at the thought of giving up their lives for someone else. It’s scary, especially since primitive man was not responsible for the children, and in the case of men, many primitive characteristics are still very prominent. Of course, today’s society has shown women that men need to be as domesticated as they are, which prompts the petrified reaction men have to children.
When women ask this question, it shows men that they are thinking about having children at some point, which to men is the same as taking their manhoods in their hands and tucking it in their Coach handbags. Men don’t like their routines being messed with, especially if it’s the women that do it. The pregnancy question represents the first domino in a sequence that ultimately ends with us being nothing more than the emasculated Jesse Katsopolis from Full House.
Or, she may be backdoor-ing into telling you she is pregnant…
Alright men, say “oh shit” and follow me.
If this is her way of telling you she is, in fact, pregnant with your demon progeny, then this question takes on a relatively different response. You have to be supportive of her and quell her anxieties, or you’re in for the worst ride of your life. The thing about pregnancy isn’t just that she becomes an overbearing, confusing, angry, hysterical bitch, it’s that her body is making her become an overbearing, confusing, angry, hysterical bitch. She is a slave to her endocrine system because all it’s doing is releasing intense hormones and chemicals. She’s a slave to her musculoskeletal system because of the necessary deviations her body needs to make so she can safely add one more person to the billions that are already on this planet. She’s a slave to her lymphatic and digestive systems because she’s now consuming and digesting and purging her body for two. Needless to say, pregnancy seems like it really sucks, and even though she spread her legs, your seed is what kick-started this mess.
So men, here’s the bottom line. She needs you now, more than ever. She can’t control what her body is doing to her and she is racing through a cocktail of different emotions. She feels sick because of the drastic changes. She feels scared because she has no control over those drastic changes. She feels anxiety because she doesn’t want to be like her mother. Et cetera. Et cetera. Et cetera. She’s going to spend the next nine months totally fucked up, and guess what, she also feels jealousy and resentment because you, the man, don’t have to endure the hell.
So, in these dark times, you need to become her bitch. Just know that whenever she asks this question, she’s looking at the future of your relationship, in one way or another.