An Exploration into Sex: The Dirty List (part 1)

Warning: This post is disgusting. Really, really disgusting. Only those with a sick sense of humor should continue. Seriously. I’m warning you. Don’t proceed unless you have a strong stomach — like one made of steel… or Teflon .. or something really strong. Okay, if you’ve made it this far in the disclaimer, then you apparently a.) have a strong enough stomach, or b.) just don’t give a shit. You’ve been warned.

One of the things about sex that is a real draw to men is the mythology behind it. As with any other topic, there are certain stories that prance in the territory of “urban legend”, and if surfing around snopes.com has has taught me anything, the lines between fact and reality are very blurry, or even non-existent.

Nowhere in the sexual mythos is it more true than The Dirty List.

For those of you unfamiliar with The Dirty List, it’s a grouping of sexual exploits that border on the insane. The question is: are they real. or are they a figment of someone’s deranged imagination? The answer is uncertain, but I must admit, there is a part of me that hopes at least some of these really took place. Like I said in the disclaimer, you have to have a sick sense of humor… and I sure as hell do.

For this post, I’ve decided to explore the entries on The Dirty List. How probable are they to happen? Could there be some legitimacy to them? Basically, are they real? So, without any further delay, I bring you The Dirty List, raw and uncensored. Enjoy.

The Alabama Hot Pocket

A Dirty List classic. Separate a chick’s vaginal lips, then take a dump inside her pussy. You can take it one step further. Fuck her after dumping to create the Rusty Nail or Dirty Piston.

Pictured: No. Just no.

Pictured: No. Just no.

As much as I could rip on Alabama at the moment, I will refrain from doing so. In regards to the inaugural sex act on this list, there are few things more disgusting or fucked up than the Alabama Hot Pocket. I mean, this is something so bad, you just know this never happened, but if it did, as far as you’re concerned, it still didn’t happen. I mean, is this something you would want to acknowledge as truth?

I didn’t think so.

Realism Score: 1 (it is Alabama, after all… I’m going to go vomit now. I’ll be right back.)

Anal Boot

Take a pitcher of beer, everyone spits in it, someone stirs it with their cock, and then the mixture is poured through the crack of another man’s ass into the mouth of the loser of a bet or drinking game.

There is no visual for the Anal Boot, and when I searched for one, I was greeted with stills from a porn called Anal Boot Camp. Since I’m fairly stubborn, I even searched through the results to see if one may be hiding within the plethora of women having dicks/dildos/inanimate objects (a nightstick… I think?) shoved in their sopping assholes. Alas, by page nine of Google’s image results, I had nothing except a semi, so I gave up.

Interestingly, I don’t think the Anal Boot is necessarily the stuff of folklore. It seems very likely this may have happened at some point, and I’ve been on enough college campuses to trust my assumption. This could have been something that transpired at any frat party or fetish shindig, so I’m going to go ahead and leave this one where it is. I don’t even feel the need to verify it. It’s happened before and will likely happen again.

Realism Score: 10

Angry Dragon

Immediately after you finish blowing your load in someone’s mouth, smack her in the back of the head so your shot comes out of her nose. When  they get up, they’ll look like an angry dragon.

25327_341581874090_6503744_n

Pictured: Someone who will probably be very pissed off at you.

We’ve all been to elementary school. We’ve all been in an elementary school lunch room. We’ve all been in an elementary school lunch room across from some kid drinking milk. We’ve all been in an elementary school lunch room across from some kid drinking milk and have tried to make him laugh so milk came out of his nose.

I’m a believer in the “Lunchroom Milk Expulsion” because I’ve seen it happen. It was third grade, at Bill Elliot Elementary in Fort Worth. Tyron, Jeffrey, Terrell, and I were all sitting at lunch, eating “chili” and drinking chocolate milk. Jeffery broke into song about a magical place called “Chiligan’s Island”, where castaways ate a bunch of chili and developed diarrhea, which segued into the following song about food and gross body stuff.

“Cheesy corned beef
Armpit juice
Choco-booty milkshakes
and earwax sauce”

Obviously, I’ve gotten a bit nostalgic while writing this, but allow me to summarize before I start singing the Safety Kids Theme Song. The jokes about Jeffrey was making caused Tyron to expel milk from his nostrils, much to the excitement and disgust of Jeffrey, Terrell, and myself, along with Shelby Jones and Essence Edwards.

The adult equivalent of the Lunchroom Milk Expulsion is the Angry Dragon.

Again, I firmly believe this to be possible. I’ve never partaken in it, nor have I ever known anyone to have done so, but just because something hasn’t been seen or heard, doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. I tried looking it up on Google and thought I got a hit via Formspring, but alas the page was gone.

Shit.

Realism Score: 6

Angry Pirate

While doing someone from behind, spit on her back right before you’re about to get off. She will turn around to face you, at which point you’ll cum in her eye. She will stand up, followed by you kicking her in the shin. She will then hop on one foot while holding one eyes and screaming “Argh!”, which makes them look like a pirate.

Pictured: The end of your relationship.

Pictured: The end of your relationship.

This one is probably my favorite. Not only is it totally fucked up, but it appeals to my love of pirates. Again, I can imagine this one as having actually happened at some point. Some hot douchey guy at a bar probably picked up some chick who, while cute, has a lot of self-esteem problems. He takes her back to his frat house to have sex, and toward the end of their tryst, the above explanation takes place. He and his buddies laugh about it, spending the next day telling all of their pledges and anyone on campus who has ears about the event.

Sadly, the girl who received the Angry Pirate then killed herself, and her dorm mate got all A’s that semester.

Between this one and the Anal Boot, I’m instituting the Frat Tally.

Realism Score: 9
Frat Tally: II

Arabian Goggles

A seldom-seen maneuver where a guy rests his nut-sack on the eyes of the person they’re having sex with, their balls actually resting on the person’s eye sockets.

Pictured: An actual website?

Pictured: An actual website?

Well, the Arabian Goggles is a real thing. How about that? On top of that, there is apparently a website called arabgoggles.com. I honestly have nothing else to say, except “damn”.

Realism Score: 10 (obviously!)

Australian Death Grip

The act of grabbing a woman or man by the ass or crotch and staring deeply into their eyes, resulting in either a shot to the face or a kiss. This tactic is recommended in very crowded bars and is a great opportunity to make a wager with friends.

Pictured: A fine line between getting laid and getting arrested.

Pictured: A fine line between getting laid and getting arrested.

This is another entry on The Dirty List that I know exists. I’ve seen it… many times. I once went to Electric Cowboy in Lewisville eight weeks in a row, where I saw at least one of these maneuvers performed each time I was there. Of course, four out of five ended with the guy getting bitch-slapped by the chick, but there was one that particularly intrigued me.

This guy — we’ll call him Chet — was practically stalking this woman — we’ll call her Melissa — all night, offering drinks, cigarettes, and conversation. Each time she rejected him, he seemed to only get more determined, kind of like a cowboy version of Neil Goldman from Family Guy. Of course, Melissa was very attractive, unlike Meg Griffin. Anyway, after a couple hours of this, he had a huddle with his friends. After a moment of these Brokeback Mountain rejects conversing with their desperate buddy, they broke the huddle, and Chet went after Melissa once more. She was standing two tables down from me and my friends (we were observing), when Chet made his move. It seemed like slow motion. He approached her, stretched his arm, and kept eye contact while his hand disappeared under her skirt and cupped her crotch.

Chet just delivered the Australian Death Grip.

However, in a move that stunned us into complete silence, she stared back, then sucked his face. The two then disappeared out the door and into the Lewisville night, presumably to fuck in the (assumed) cab of Chet’s Ford Ranger. I’ve seen a lot of “unreal” moments in bars over the years, but this one definitely ranks at the top.

Realism Score: 10

Bald Kitty

A freshly shaven pussy.

Pictured: Porn. I thought about being an ass and posting a picture of a hairless cat, but decided I the post was already explicit, so why the hell not?

Pictured: Porn. I thought about being an ass and posting a picture of a hairless cat, but decided I the post was already explicit, so why the hell not?

I have nothing to say on the matter. Well, maybe I could hit you guys with some real world factoid to make this blatantly pornographic section at least somewhat educational. In an article posted in The Atlantic on December 13, 2011 called “The New Full-Frontal: Has Pubic Hair in America Gone Extinct?”, researchers at Indiana University found that nearly sixty percent of women in America between the ages of 18 and 24 are sometimes or always completely bare, while almost half of women between 25 and 29 reported similar habits.

The more you know.

Realism Score: 10

Beef Curtain

The skanked out remains of the labia stretched like Play-Doh from an hour of jimmy-jam. Also known as Beef Drapes or Meat Trap.

Pictured: Curtains made of beef.

Pictured: Curtains made of beef.

The last thing I want to have on The Zephyr Lounge are pictures of blown out vagina’s. So, I put a picture of literal beef curtains instead.

I’ve heard horror tales from people about these pusses that look like Philly steak. I really don’t feel like going any further into this topic, but rest assured, they do, in fact, exist.

And now, I think I don’t like Philly Cheesesteak Sandwiches anymore.

Realism Score: 10 (unfortunately)

Beer Cock

Occurs when you’re chick wants some dick, but you’re way too drunk to perform.

Pictured: "Mmmmm.... beeeer...."

Pictured: “Mmmmm…. beeeer….”

Ladies and gentlemen. Homer Simpson! The king of beer cock!

Let me tell you a story about a friend of mine. We’ll call him Jimmy. Jimmy and I were having a party at his place one night and a bunch of hot girls showed up. Jimmy’s goal was to bed one, so he went about it the way most people who just turned 21 do — he decided to get them all really wasted. Unfortunately for Jimmy, that meant he had to get really sloshed himself. After a good three or four hours of drinking, he finally got a girl — we’ll call her Lisa — to agree to fucking his brains out. They diappeared into Jimmy’s room… and fifteen minutes later, she came out, dresses, irritated, and sober. One of the other girls asked her what was wrong, but Lisa shooed the girl away, grabbed her stuff, and left like a bat out of Hell. Jimmy comes stumbling out of the bedroom, naked from the waist down, sporting a limp noodle, and so drunk he thought the chair was Lisa’s lap.

It was a sad day in the life of Jimmy.

Realism Score: 10
Spinal Tap Realism Score: 11

The Bismark

While receiving oral sex, pull out and shoot all over her face. Then, punch her in the face so the blood and cum run together. This is also referred to as a Strawberry Shortcake.

Pictured: The only way to make this more messed up.

Pictured: The only way to make this more messed up.

Here’s another that could very well be real… and another I think got it’s origins in America’s fraternities. The Bismark just seems like something a really douchey frat boy would do. I’m just saying.

Realism Score: 10
Frat Tally: III

Blocking the Box

While double-teaming a chick, whichever one of you is doing her in the pussy/ass gets off, filling her and preventing the other from finishing. Also known as the Access Denied Error or Road Closed Due To Bad Conditions.

Pictured: "Liam Neeson" about to fuck over his friend.

Pictured: “Liam Neeson” about to fuck over his friend.

Okay, the guy boning the bound chick from behind may not so much look like Liam Neeson, but actually looks more like Sebastian Roche (Jerry Jacks from General Hospital).

Every man dreams of this moment. You and your buddy meets some hot, freaky chick who loves getting pounded from multiple angles simultaneously. So, while living the dream, the only way it could end — well, aside of someone letting out a juicy fart at the wrong moment — is for one of you guys to fuck over the other by Blocking the Box. A couple of guys I know had this happen and it actually ruined their friendship. Yeah, it’s kind of shitty.

Realism Score: 10

Wow, this list is pretty realistic so far. I wonder when we’re going to get to the stuff legends and lore are made of.

The Blumkin

You are getting blown by a girl while on the john.

Pictured: Gross.

Pictured: Gross.

Finally! Something that could very well not be real! This is also really gross…

Well, I spoke prematurely. Apparently, on YouTube of all places, there resides at least one video of a guy getting a Blumpkin. I think I lost a little more faith in humanity with this one.

Goddammit!

Realism Score: 10

I just let out a sigh of frustration, just so you all know.

The Bronco

While fucking a chick from behind, with a tit in each hand, you whisper in her ear: “Your sister likes it this way too”. This is also referred to as Rodeo Sex.

Pictured: Tom Brady getting the Bronco -- NFL style!

Pictured: Tom Brady getting the Bronco — NFL style!

I bet you thought I was going to find some picture of a hot chick getting fucked from behind with her tits being violated. Surprise motherfuckers!

I know we’re all getting tired of me saying this, but again, I’ll bet anything this has actually happened before. I personally haven’t done it myself, or know anyone that has, but common sense dictates the Bronco as a reality.

Fuck!

Realism Score: 10

Cajun Dip Stick

Take your cock out of her pooper and mix it in a pool of dip spit on her back, then reinsert it. Also referred to as a Cajun Hot Stick or Cajun Log.

Pictured: To perform a Cajun Dip Stick, there has to be something wrong with your medulla oblongata.

Pictured: To perform a Cajun Dip Stick, there has to be something wrong with your medulla oblongata.

Okay, here’s one that someone has to be really fucked up to do. I mean, really fucked up! I can’t figure out how someone would even remotely let this happen. So, I’m going to go out on a limb and say, definitively, without a doubt: this is fake!

I searched Google. After ten pages of results, not one story about it. I also couldn’t find it in an image search. Thank God! It’s not real!

Realism Score: 0 (Boom, motherfuckers!)

Chocolate Cha-Cha

Anal sex. Also referred to as The Hershey Highway, Riding The Dirt Rail, The Third Input, and ‘Ol One Eye.

Pictured: Home run!

Pictured: Home run!

In celebration of me actually debunking one, I’m treating you all to a picture of a brunette getting boned in the ass. You’re welcome!

Realism Score: 10

Christmas Turkey Carver

A variation of The Shocker. You sit carefully behind a prone chick, putting three fingers in her sex and one in her ass. Voraciously plume your digits in and out of her, maintain a perfect L-bend at your elbow and using only your rotator cuff as a power pivot.

This is another bit that I know has happened, but I think I’m going to take this opportunity to showcase all of the variations of fingering.

Pictured: Something all men need to know.

Pictured: Something all men need to know.

Enjoy, and learn.

Realism Score: 10

About Robert L. Franklin

Ah, the About Me section - social networking's excuse for you sounding like an elitist prick. Hmm... what to say? What to say?
This entry was posted in Surfing the Waves and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s