<cue Texas accent>
Ladies and gentlemen! Welcome to the greatest country ever touched by God’s hands! The powerful, majestic, and down-right superior Republic of Texas! Stand with me, men and women who cower under the finger of the Almighty, put your right hand over your heart, and repeat after me:
“Honor the Texas flag; I pledge allegiance to thee, Texas, one state under God, one and indivisible.”
Follow me, men, and observe the wonders of this great Republic, the history of these beautiful lands laid out before us like livin’ history. Observe, the Alamo, where our brother’s made a stand of nearly two weeks, outnumbered almost ten-to-one, and died honorably, their sacrifice fueling our eventual victory over the oppressive spicks that once governed our land! Remember the Alamo! Remember.
Walk the plains, where our men built their homes on the blood of savages and struck oil. Drive through our streets on your cell phone. Talk. Text. It don’t matter. Observe our politics, where our leaders bestow unconstitutional laws from campaign contributions and execute anyone who even so much as robs a 7-11. Hopefully he punched the Arab in the process.
Ride the winding, clay-filled wonderland of the Red River, happily giving the finger to the old “Injun” territory while slammin’ back our Ziegenbock’s and shootin’ our rifles in the air.
Feel free to express your love of God in any way you choose, however, if ya’ll be some atheists, Jews, Arabs, devil-worshippers, or anything not belonging to the Christian God, then ya’ll need not be in these parts. Oh, Catholics, too. Fuck them baby rapists.
Remember, all, these freedoms are without a doubt, since we don’t even belong in these damn United States anyway. That’s right! There is a clause in our annexation documents allowing us to leave the country at any time we choose. Woo-hoo, secession! Here in Texas, we don’t have to worry about any of the laws those terrorist United States president’s made. No FDR. No Lincoln. No Kennedy. Hell, in Dallas, you can see the place where Kennedy done got shot and killed. God bless Texas!
So, men and women, here ya’ll go. Within each town and city and county, you’ll live in the best possible means. There will be a roof over ya’ll’s heads. Food in ya’ll’s homes. Churches for ya’ll to attend every Wednesday and Sunday, and even the good ‘ol America’s Team, the Dallas Cowboys, for your post-Sunday service enjoyment.
Welcome to Texas! Home of God, steaks, beer, rodeos, Tex-Mex, and jobs!
Sieg howdy, everybody!