This weekend, I am consumed in cinematic interest. This is the opening weekend of not only the 3-D re-release of Jurassic Park (that I’ve even got the wife interested in), but the remake (or whatever it actually is) of Evil Dead, produced by Sam Raimi and Bruce Campbell. I’ve been looking forward to these, anticipating those bad ass Velociraptors in cinematic gluttony and intrigued by the idea of one of the campiest horror films of all-time re-envisioned as torture porn. Nevertheless, I’ve been going over the list of movies to be released this year and have quickly realized that 2013, for the most part, is going to suck as bad, if not worse, than 2012.
Scary Movie 5
starring Ashley Tisdale, Lindsey Lohan, Charlie Sheen, Terry Crews, Kendra Wilkinson, and Mike Tyson
When I was 13, I thought Scary Movie was funny. When I was 14, I enjoyed the sequel because of a certain man and his “strong hand”. When the third one came around, I lost interested in them. I also grew up. With the fifth installment hitting theaters next week, I glanced over the premise and production information for the film, and in typical Robbie fashion, shook my head in embarrassment. Casting must have been an interesting discussion among the producers, since the film with without series figureheads Anna Faris and Regina Hall, but features a former Disney Channel staple, a drug-addict/prostitute (prostitution unconfirmed), a warlock, an actor typecast into roles where he stalks white women (or black guys dressed at white women), one of Hugh Hefner’s ex-girlfriends, and a cannibal boxer (who is target of my own animosity since I could never beat Mike Tyson’s Punch-out!!!).
Verdict: I’m not feeling this one. One of the shitty things about the horror genre is that if you make a successful film, by default, you make nine sequels. Scary Movie, like nearly every other franchise, needs to just throw in the towel… or have sex with someone.
Iron Man 3
starring Robert Downey, Jr., Ben Kingsley, Don Cheadle, and Gwyneth Paltrow
I’m very quickly going from disillusioned to disgusted when it comes to Hollywood movies ripped from the pages of comic books. For a little over a decade, these abortions have been cranked out every year, and no franchise or canon is safe. Maybe it has something to do with how Batman and Robin nearly killed America’s love for the Caped Crusader (and George Clooney… worst Batman ever), but regardless, each film is worse than the one preceding it. So, perhaps you can say I’m biased, but this is about upcoming films so I have to include it.
Verdict: Nope. Not interested. Even in the slightest. Of course, I’ll bet most of you will be.
Star Trek Into Darkness
starring Chris Pine, Zachary Quinto, Karl Urban, John Cho, and Simon Pegg
I was indifferent on J.J. Abrams’ first venture into Star Trek a few years ago, but I can’t say I hated it. I remember hearing a lot of Trekkie’s miss the point with the first film — it’s set in an alternate timeline, something for which the Star Trek empire is notorious. Into Darkness does play on the canon of the original film series in that the character of “John Harrison” — played by Benedict Cumberbatch — is, in fact, Khan. Oooooh, shocker. We already figured that.
All sarcasm aside, I’m interested to see how this film does. If it does well and the Abrams Star Trek movie franchise continues, I would definitely be interested in seeing how it would perform against Walt Disney’s Star Wars, Episode VII. I hope, nay, I pray that the sci-fi community erupts in a civil war between the Trekkie’s and the Wannabe Jedi’s.
Verdict: Probably won’t see it, but I will keep up with it.
Fast and Furious 6
starring Paul Walker, Vin Diesel, Dwayne Johnson, and Michelle Rodriguez
Whoever let this franchise get to six movies needs to be sacked. One of my biggest criticisms of the Fast and Furious franchise has been that they’re action movies where the weapons are cars. Now, I understand that’s the point, but let me enlighten you all as to what I mean. In the video game world, there are many racing platform gaming franchises, most notably Need for Speed and Twisted Metal. Both franchises have a fun factor, but that very quickly dries up. After a few sessions of Need for Speed, it starts getting a little boring and repetitive. After a few sessions of Twisted Metal, it gets boring and repetitive. And campy, let’s not forget that. My personal opinion: the Fast and Furious franchise is like trying to combine the two, but without the morbidity of Twisted Metal and the computer generated real-world models of Need For Speed. Also, Sweet Tooth does not make an appearance in Fast and Furious, docking the franchise even more cool points.
Verdict: Nope. I don’t care about it. I hope the franchise stops. For the love of God, stop!
Quick Entry: The Hangover III
These guys really should have learned to stop drinking together… a long time ago.
starring Ethan Hawke, Lena Headey, Max Burkholder, and Edwin Hodge
There’s so much negativity in this post so far. Let’s change that.
The Purge… where do I begin? Is it that Ethan Hawke hasn’t been in something substantial since Lord of War? Or how about the premise of the film? Total fucking anarchy! In this dystopic America — conceived by James DeMonaco (Paranormal Activity) — once a year, everyone in the country is free to do whatever they want, without it being criminal. That’s right! For 12 hours, you can shoot up, commit murder, arson, theft, vandalism, you can rape people, whatever your disgusting criminal heart desires. So, because of this, Ethan Hawke and his family of unknown actors have state of the art security on their home to keep them safe. However, when an injured man starts banging on their door for help, Ethan Hawke’s son — who is confused about why The Purge exists — disarms the system and lets him in, causing tension and chaos within the home, as well as giving the injured man’s attackers more targets.
Verdict: Yes! Fucking yes!… I’m sorry. It looks good. It looks exciting. It’s a premise I could have very well come up with myself. I will be seeing this movie.
Man of Steel
starring Henry Cavill, Amy Adams, Kevin Costner, and Laurence Fishburne
For information about what Robbie thinks about the Superman franchise reboot, refer to the Iron Man 3 entry.
In Brief: Summer 2013, for the kids
Monster University (June 21)
Despicable Me 2 (July 3)
The Smurfs 2 (July 31)
2013’s summer box office will showcase three well-hyped movies to take your little ankle-biters to see. First is Monster University, the long-awaited sequel (edit: prequel) to 2001’s Monsters, Inc. Set about ten years before the events of the first film, Billy Crystal and John Goodman reprise their roles of Mike and Sulley, and the film follows them when they start college where, guess what, they’re actually enemies!
Despicable Me 2 come out not long afterward, and features the return of Steve Carrel, Russell Brand, and Miranda Cosgrove to the roles they had in the first film. The plot revolves around Gru (Carrel), who is recrutied by the Anti-Villain League to assist in stopping a villain named Eduardo, who is voiced by legendary vocal weirdo Al Pacino.
Despite my desire for this film to not exist, The Smurfs 2 hits theaters riding the coattails of it’s predecessor. Gargamel kidnaps Smurfette (of course) and takes her to Paris, where his henchmen — smurf-like clones called Naughties — attempt to brainwash her into being one of them. This prompts the Smurfs to return to the human world and seek help from their human friends from the first movie, as well as their son, Blue.
God, I hate the Smurfs. I hope your damn kids hate it, too.
World War Z
starring Brad Pitt, Mireille Enos, Matthew Fox, and David Morse
I watched the trailer for this and am not sure what to think. Of course, I’m also not crippled by the fact I read the book… which I haven’t, but thousands of others have. I look at it this way, I watch the shit out of The Walking Dead, so the modern take on the zombie apocalypse is still something I enjoy, but it’s been a couple of years since zombies became the fashionable Hollywood monster, and with the tanking of such recent films as Abraham Lincoln vs. Zombies and the unraveling of projects like Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, I think the zombie apocalypse is beginning to wear out it’s welcome. Bringing it back to the topic at hand, the only actor listed in the top-ish billing for the film that has any star power is Brad Pitt and I really don’t think he can carry this kind of film on it’s own. I think a lot of people will see it, but I also expect to read mixed reviews.
Verdict: Probably not.
The Lone Ranger
starring Armie Hammer, Johnny Depp, and Helena Bonham Carter
Johnny Depp and Helena Bonham Carter have very quickly moved into the realm of Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan. I’m beginning to find their pairing disgusting, especially since neither of them have been part of a movie that’s been at least halfway decent in a long time. This will be their sixth collaboration. Good God. On top of that, I’ve never really been a fan of the Lone Ranger story anyway.
Question: How many, and I’m going to use this term loosely, “stars” can you pack into a buddy comedy?
The answer is 23. Grown Ups 2 — another fucking sequel — contains the likes of Adam Sandler, Chris Rock, Kevin James, David Spade, Stone Cold Steve Austin, Selma Hayek, Wife of Adam Sandler, Aly Michalka, Maria Bello, Maya Rudolph, Andy Samberg, Cameron Boyce, China Anne McClain, Taylor Lautner, Milo Ventimiglia, Son of Governator, David Henrie, Alexander Ludwig, Allen Covert, Taran Killam, Halston Sage, Chris Hardwick, and Shaq Diesel.
Verdict: No, and I’m instituting “Philly Rules” for this one.
Note: Because I know there will be some confusion, I will do an entire post about “Philly Rules” in the near future.
starring Bruce Willis, John Malkovich, Helen Mirren, and Anthony Hopkins
I’m actually kind of excited about this one. Even though Morgan Freeman’s character died in the first film, the remainder of the geriatric vigilantes return. The original was violent and packed with comedic quips that could only be pulled off by a main cast who’s combined age was nearly 250. Excellent film.
My only concern with RED 2 is it’s director. Dean Parisot doesn’t have the greatest resume in Hollywood, having directed such flops as Home Fries and Fun With Dick and Jane.
Verdict: However, I’m still down for seeing this movie. I just hope it doesn’t suffer from a sophomore slump.
300: Rise of an Empire
starring Rodrigo Santoro, Eva Green, Sullivan Stapleton, and Jack O’Connell
I saw 300 once and wasn’t really impressed with it. I wasn’t even impressed with the movie that spoofed it, well, aside of the fact the fat guy rubbing his nipples in the Smashing Pumpkins’ music video for “Stand Inside Your Love” played King Xerxes in it. I always figure the real Xerxes was weird enough to do that. Anyway, Summer 2013 is bringing us another sequel that probably shouldn’t even exist. I mean, I’m saying Rise of an Empire is going to be a cinematic abortion (refer to Avatar), but I think the idea of doing a sequel to a movie that has a resolved plot — especially seven years after the fact — just shows me that my suspicions are right. Hollywood is out of ideas.
Verdict:Nope. I want nothing to do with this movie. I’m also going to make a prediction. The “This Is Sparta!!” meme will come back with a vengeance.
For the record, Metallica are the Donald Trump of the music industry. A second documentary?! You’ve got to be kidding.
Kick Ass 2
starring Aaron Johnson, Chloe Grace Moretz, Donald Faison, and Jim Carrey
The first movie shouldn’t have been a success, but it was. Of course, as is the case in Hollywood, lightning rarely, if ever, strikes twice. One of the reasons I think the first Kick Ass succeeded as a film is because when it came out, the entire world was captivated by Michael Cera. He’s not as unavoidable as he was then, and with the cast list also containing the likes of John Leguizamo and Jim Carrey, Kick Ass 2 seems on track to fail… horribly.
Verdict: Epic failure.
This definitely isn’t everything coming out over the next few months, but I honestly didn’t want this post to get too long. As a matter of fact, as a way to keep it shorter — far shorter — than it could have been, I actually omitted some further opinions on them. Alas, I still think this is at a least a decent resource for all of your summer movie-going needs. Have fun, guys. Remember, movie tickets are about $10 a pop now. Make your time at the cinema worth it.