While rummaging through the crap on the Internet, your hero stumbled upon some disturbing literature contained in the pages of one of the most popular magazines in the world — Cosmopolitan. Frightened by the content and the damaging effect it has on the world’s women, your hero has declared war.
My name is Robert Franklin and I am pissed off. You and your disparaging lies are contributing to the mental deterioration of our women, and for this, your tyranny must come to an end. Our women must no longer be exposed to the bullshit contained within your finely-glossed pages. It ends now.
Our women are neurotic wrecks because of you, Cosmo, and you know, that makes us — men — fucking insane. They’re always worried about their weight, their height, the size of their feet, the size of their breasts, the tone of their voice, their laugh, their hair, their men, etc. etc. etc. It’s to the point where women have these unbelievably high expectations for themselves and are paranoid about every single step their men are taking. For example:
“Keeping something from you makes him nervous, and his body actually goes into freak-out mode. “When a secret is big enough that he’s worried he may lose something important if it’s revealed, research shows that his esophageal muscles will start to constrict, causing his throat to dry up,” says Janine Driver, president of The Body Language Institute and author of You Say More Than You Think. “So if he begins swallowing a lot during your conversation, it’s because he’s trying to loosen up those throat muscles.” Pay attention to the topic you hit on when this happens — it will give you a hint as to what his secret relates to.”
Are you kidding me? You’re stating this as fact? There are thousands of reasons why for someone’s throat to dry out. Most notably, because he’s fucking thirsty! Or, he smoked a cigarette on the way home. That’ll dry his throat out. Cosmo, it’s not that simple, and I can’t help but think you’re source is probably a crack-pot feminist who thinks that men are a plague on the planet.
Here’s another example, from the same article:
“Yes, maybe he’s just extra-horny or you’re looking extra-hot, but a sudden surge in his sexual appetite can also be a sign that something’s awry. “A man who’s hiding something won’t want to connect emotionally through conversation because he’s afraid if he does, he’ll spill the secret,” says Krista Bloom, PhD, a psychologist in Florida. “Instead, because he loves you, he’ll look to fill that void by connecting with you physically.”
Jesus Christ. So, according to your source, if a man’s sex drive plummets, then re-surges, he’s hiding something? Okay, let me draw a comparison, Cosmo. You’re audience uses stress and self-deprecation to get out of sex all the fucking time. According to your Nazi feminism, that’s perfectly normal. Stress, body image, menstruation, those are all legitimate reasons why a woman would not want to have sex, and I get that. I actually agree with it. As do most men. But god-fucking-forbid a man has excessive stress in his life — from work, for example — and just isn’t in the mood let Willy go diving.
Cosmo, you disgust me. You present men as sex addicted hounds who scratch, fart, and scarf chips all the time. And while that may, at times, be true, it’s still not justification to manipulate normal human responses into indicators that a man is piledriving someone else behind their woman’s back. Let us continue:
“Don’t be fooled by a guy who offers up tons of minor bits of information about where he’s been or what he’s been doing. At first, it may seem that because he can describe so much, he must be truthful. But he could actually be trying to cover his ass. “If he’s telling a story and you notice he’s peppering it with insignificant details, that’s a warning sign,” says Driver. “This is especially true if you detect a lot of pauses, because it means he’s trying to come up with more facts.” Think about it: When you’re speaking honestly, you never actually go into all the minutiae — like the name of the bartender or what color the walls were — because you don’t retain that superfluous info in everyday life.”
Cosmo, you done fucked up. Just because a man tells stories in more detail, doesn’t mean he’s covering shit up and just because a man pauses a lot, doesn’t mean he’s searching for more facts to come up with. These are both also normal responses to conversation. For example, when I tell stories, I make sure my audience is engaged, and to do that, I paint a picture of it. I do this especially with my wife, so she can understand the humor and/or point to what I’m saying. Some people are just better at storytelling than others and those that are good at it prefer to have the picture painted for the audience. It’s easier to keep their attention that way.
Fucking Nazis. Let’s see what else you told our women:
“Pay close attention to what he does with his hands if you’re sensing he’s concealing something, says Driver. “When a person suddenly buries his hands or even touches one body part to another, like by holding the back of his neck, it could be his way of comforting himself because he knows he’s doing something wrong.”
My hands go in my pockets when I’m cold. My hands go in my pockets when I’m bored, especially if there’s a quarter in there for me to play with. Sometimes, I just have my hands in my pockets because I think it’s bad-ass-and-coo. Me and a billion other guys. Just because I move my hands into my pockets doesn’t mean I’m hiding something. Think about it. When a man’s hands go into his pockets, what’s the next thing he does? Lean on something. When we lean on shit, we do one of two things, 1.) cross our arms, or 2.) place our hands in our pockets. Since the first one definitely would hurt a conversation (especially a fight), we opt to use the pockets. Why? Because leaning on something with your arms dangling, A.) looks stupid, and B.) is uncomfortable.
Onward to the next bit of relationship herpes:
“This is so obvious, but it’s a sign many women miss: If your man starts grooming down there without you requesting it, that could be an indication that he’s spending more time naked,” says Vranich. You can actually thank porn for this tipoff. Guys today are used to viewing manscaped dudes onscreen, so if he has another chick to impress with his sexual prowess, he may emulate those ultra-trimmed guys. Another clue: He’s spending more time at the gym.”
Okay, I’m Italian. This means I have a fairly copious amount of body hair. I also dislike body hair. So, I do something about it. I groom myself, as do many, many, many other men — gay and metrosexual alike. So, why does this come off as a sign that we’re cheating on our women? Especially when we’re doing something that we request women do all the damn time.
The way most men who groom look at it, if we want a sexy, bald pussy to play with, then we don’t need to have the Amazon down there either. Also, with our women being bare and exposed, sometimes fucking them with a lion’s mane around our cocks is kind of awkward. I mean, think about it, Cosmo. You’re smooth pussy being tickled, and in some cases stabbed (depending on coarseness), by thousands of pubic hairs? That’s too many sensations. That makes it weird.
Also, we’ve discovered that a lack of pubes is killing the crab population. Suck on that, Cosmo. Science rules!
“The main way that trysts are found out is through the discovery of incriminating e-mails, IM chats, cell phone texts or bills,” says Belisa Vranich, PsyD, a clinical psychologist in New York City. So if he’s being unfaithful, he may guard his gadgets or act really defensive when you innocently touch his phone or computer. It should be a giant red flag if he readily gave you passwords in the past, and now he’s more evasive.”
You know, we men have a philosophy when it comes to electronics. They’re really expensive — in some cases really expensive — and if they’re going to be broken, we want to make sure that we are the ones that broke them. Not our women, who in some cases may not even know how to operate them (case in point: my wife still has no idea how to access my phone, even though I’ve shown her multiple times).
There is another factor with this, Cosmo, and it’s the fact that women have become insane, mostly because of you. They get into email accounts, social networking pages, cell phones, and other shit like that, looking for dirt on us. It sucks, and because their minds have been warped, they take shit out of context and use it ammo against us in whatever the next fight they start is. For example, the mother of my son has an older sister who hacked into her on-again, off-again boyfriend’s Facebook page, looking for anything to nail him with. You have women looking for trouble when there is none and creating trouble when there is none. This is another reason why men are keeping women away from their stuff. A text from your boss saying “that presentation deserved a raise” means “you were great inside of me” for at least a few seconds when a woman reads it — even though it was solely about the presentation at work.
“If he was short-tempered before, a combination of added sex and attention could be making him way more relaxed, even downright giddy,” Vranich says. Adds Mira Kirshenbaum, author of When Good People Have Affairs: Inside the Hearts and Minds of People in Two Relationships: “If your guy is suddenly going around all happy and whistling, then you need to find out why.”
So, if I’m happy about something, then I’m cheating? First of all, all men go through periods of being short-tempered just like all women go through periods where we could argue they’re demonically possessed. We also go through periods of contentment, than can at times be long-lasting, such as when we get a raise and a new office, or when our favorite sports team wins a championship. There are tons of reasons why men can have a general mood shift, and hell, sometimes it’s our significant others that do it. Sometimes, it’s just warming to see them. Men can be deep too, and sometimes just catching a glimpse of the person we love melts everything else away.
Deal with it, Cosmo. We can be emotional too.
Even though a player’s bros may be friendly enough, they probably won’t ask you many personal questions about your job, interests, etc. The ugly truth: They don’t want to invest time and energy getting to know you because they figure you’re not going to be around very long.
Well, Cosmo. There you go. This has to be the biggest load of crap you’ve ever printed (of course, I could be wrong. There could be bigger pieces of crap). Just because my boys (you know, of the male gender) don’t ask my woman personal questions does not mean that they’re expecting us to split. Honestly, it’s just because they don’t care, or, because us men already had the discussion.
Think about this. Women talk to each other all the time and will, at times, have the same conversations over and over and over again. Sometimes, verbatim. Men, on the other hand, are one-and-done when it comes to stuff like that. If you missed the conversation, tough shit. There’s a football game on. We don’t do shit like that with each other. We eat the junk food our women don’t allow us to have because of Cosmo. We drink the beer women won’t allow us to drink because of Cosmo. We act like the men women won’t allow us to be because of Cosmo. We laugh, tell dirty jokes, remember the old days, fart, tell more dirty jokes, watch the game, bitch about our wives, fart some more, smoke cigars, drink, remember the old days again, tell even more dirty jokes (sometimes about our wives), and just have some fucking fun — because we can’t do it all the time because Cosmo told our women it’s not a good idea.
As far as our bros are concerned, it will always be a boys club. Just like women always have their “girls night”. Because of that, my bros don’t give a rats ass what my woman does, just like my woman’s friends will always think I’m not good enough. It all balances out.
Cosmo, you do an amazing job at distorting women’s perceptions of men. But what’s worse, is how you’ve told these women to handle these alleged indiscretions we make. During my research into your web of despair, I came across two articles that outlined revenge tactics on men. Needless to say, they bothered me. A lot.
10 Things to Do if You Think Your Man is Cheating (<— Think? Without proof?)
- Dust the insides of his freshly washed boxers with hot chili powder.
- Donate his 60-inch plasma to charity.
- Engaged? Write him a touching thank-you note for the 3-carat Tiffany diamond ring that will now be worn on your middle finger.
- Change his e-mail’s auto response to “I’m unavailable today due to a raging case of genital warts.”
- “Forget” where you parked his vintage convertible.
- Take a photo of yourself naked, then blur out all the good parts and leave it on his pillow with a message that says, “Too bad you’ll never see these again.”
- Invite your friends to a backyard bonfire using his clothes and prized sports equipment as kindling.
- Resist the urge to break up with him until the day of his big meeting — then give him a Sharpie mustache right before his alarm goes off.
- Serve up Ex-Lax brownies to give him puh-lenty of time to sit and think about what he’s done.
- Challenge him to a naked wrestling match and whip out your signature move, the Ten-Fingered Ball-Crusher.
Women, if you do these things to your man when you only suspect he’s cheating, then you fucking deserve to be cheated on.
- You know his best friend — the guy he can’t live without? Show up at his apartment wearing only a trench coat.
- Hack into his Facebook profile and change his interests to freeganism, Paul Reiser, and face tattoos.
- Decorate his car with a bumper sticker that declares ” Small penis onboard.”
- Wait until he’s dining with a new date, then call the restaurant and ask the maître d’ to tell him that “his kids are on the phone and they’re wondering how long they’ll have to wait out in the cold.”
- Become really, really, really hot.
- When you go over to his place to claim your assorted belongings, stealthily swipe all of his remotes.
- Gain notoriety for your blog “Hilarious Things I Found in My Ex’s Trash.”
- Casually mention to him that you finally got around to all those kinky sexual fantasies he was dying to try with you and, well, they’re fantastic.
- Pay your pregnant friend to pee on a stick that you leave for him with a Thanks for nothing note attached.
- Write your names inside a big heart on his lawn…with gasoline. Have a match handy for when he arrives.
See, Cosmo, this is damage you’ve caused. Your egregiousness has made the battle of the sexes even harder than it was before — on both sides. The men are always pissed off and at the bar, while the women suffer from eating disorders and always think we’re cheating. You’re a tabloid masquerading itself as a women’s interest magazine and from where I sit, you need to be destroyed. It’s the only way men and women are going to be able to completely co-exist.
Fuck you, Cosmo.