ZLNN: The Zephyr Lounge News Network (May 24, 2013 edition)

Hey, readers! I know posting has been infrequent lately, but I’ve started a new job that is very time consuming. Anyway, I figured that since you have all been good boys and girls and putting up with my frequent tardiness in the blogging department, I would deviate away from the sports posts (which can be read here and here, if you’re interested), and get into some current events.

No, not depressing current events. Feel good stuff. You know, funny things and whatnot. Except Lolcatz. I fucking hate those.

Seriously... not... funny... at... all... .... .... I can hatez internetz?

Seriously… not… funny… at… all…
…. I can hatez internetz?

And so, we take our first jumping into ZLNN, The Zephyr Lounge News Network. ZLNN is devoted to all of the news we want to read. Stuff like our first story, which is actually what prompted me to do this in the first place.


We all should know the name Charles Ramsey by now. If you’ve been living under a rock or have meth-brain, Charles Ramsey is the guy who freed Amanda Berry and Georgina DeJesus from the home of Ariel Castro, aka The Man Who (Somehow) Got Away With This For Ten Years and Was Only Caught Because of a Guy Nomming on a Big Mac. Anyway, in the aftermath of the rescue (which has earned Ramsey “folk hero” status), Ramsey delivered a powerful interview with local reporters and police. The interview was, in fact, so powerful, that the Internet decided to “songify” it and garner nearly 15 million views on YouTube.

Yay! Internet! *rolls eyes*

Anyway, Charles Ramsey is back in the news.

Hamburgers for life reward to man who helped Ohio kidnap victims (Reuters)

Yeah, you read that right. Presumably because of the McDonald’s name drop in that interview/remix, there are apparently 15 restaurants in the Cleveland area that are offering Ramsey free hamburgers for life — whenever he wants them.

I mean, how can life get any better for him? He saved three women from the clutches of a deranged man, went national with an entertaining interview, got remixed, and is now being offered free hamburgers for life. That’s fucking incredible.

What’s also great about The Saga of Charles Ramsey is that his nod to McDonald’s has also helped the company’s image — something that has desperately needed lifting lately.

So, Charles Ramsey’s folk hero status has been elevated even more than it was previously. What else is in the news…?

Crane accident cuts power to one-third of Vietnam (Associated Press)

Did you know Vietnam has a fragile power grid? I didn’t either, until today. Apparently, a crane operator made a mistake and blew power to a staggering one-third of the entire country — for ten hours! A state-owned newspaper, Thanh Nien, reported that the incident caused about $700,000 in damages.

I know. I know. Crane accidents that cause blackouts is common and Vietnam is small. I fucking know. But, look at it from the perspective of that dwarfish country. That’s one-third of their entire country. That’s 42,855 square miles! That’s insanity, and shows some kind of weakness, which is especially irritating in a Marxist-Leninist country.

Texas BBQ map latest salvo in state’s savory meat ‘declaration of supremecy’ (The Sideshow)

Everything may be bigger in Texas — for the most part. Everything is also more conceited.

There is a new website and map on the Internet that has ranked the Top 50 BBQ places in the country. That sounds awesome, right? That would be a hell of a way to spend a summer; traveling the country and eating at the Top 50 BBQ places. Well, it would be fun, had it not been that all fifty of those restaurants are in Texas!

Guess who created the list? Texas Monthly Magazine.

Just stare at this for a moment and let me know what you think.

Just stare at this for a moment and let me know what you think.

Do you want to see the map? You know you do!

*scratches head* ...... *shrug*

*scratches head*

While my disdain for Texas isn’t news — and this really is such a trivial topic — to me the fact that Texas has claimed the Top 50 BBQ places in the country is a whole new level of arrogance for a state that has turned said arrogance into political headlines.

For more on this story, we go to Senior BBQ Correspondent Rex “Sticky Fingers” McGee. Rex.

Rex: *licking his fingers* Hello, Robert. As you can see, I’m standing in front of Franklin Barbecue in Austin, TX and I’ve seriously just finished the most amazing barbecue I’ve ever had in my life.

Robert: Is that so?

Rex: Absolutely! It was absolutely (expletive) amazing!

Robert: How would you describe it, Rex?

Rex: It tastes like pride, Robert. Like freedom. Like smoky meat and gunpowder.

Robert: Gunpowder?

Rex: Yes, Robert. Gunpowder. Didn’t you know that everything from Texas has gunpowder in it? This is the most trigger-happy state in the country.

Robert: What does that have to do with barbecue?

Rex: Everything, Robert. *licks his fingers* Every beautiful, tasty thing.

Robert: Okay… Well, this list is proving to be somewhat controversial, Rex. There has been some backlash from cities that have had legendary barbecue cultures, like Memphis and St. Louis.

Rex: Fuck them! *licks his fingers* Texas barbecue owns.

Robert: I mean, the whole list seems incredibly biased and —

Rex: Owns hard, Robert. Owns. Hard.

Robert: But, I just don’t see how they can claim the Top 50 —

Rex: (angrily) Hard, Robert. *licks his fingers*

“Sticky Fingers” McGee, everybody!

Anyway, I could go on about this tragedy all day, but there are other stories to go through. Such as:

Goat on the lam snarls NJ’s Pulaski Skyway traffic (Associated Press)

A couple of day ago, commuters on New Jersey’s Pulaski Skyway were treated to the most interesting traffic jam of their lives. A goat — later suspected of having escaped slaughter — evaded police for nearly two hours before she was apprehended. How did they get her? She got tired.

That’s right. It took the police nearly two hours to catch a goat. From about 7:10 to 9 am, the Pulaski Skyway resembled (I assume) an old Benny Hill episode.

You know some smart ass was blasting this from his car.

Anyway, since the goat put up such a good fight, she has a chance of being claimed, as to avoid the slaughterhouse (despite the USDA tag on her ear). So, if you feel the need to get to know this wonderful goat who achieved something many little bastards dream of doing, call the New Jersey State Police and tell them she’s your goat. They just might go for it.

Fuck off, soon-to-be ghost of Bob Barker.

Fuck off, soon-to-be ghost of Bob Barker.


About Robert L. Franklin

Ah, the About Me section - social networking's excuse for you sounding like an elitist prick. Hmm... what to say? What to say?
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