For those of you who may not have figured it out yet, I am a liberal. Also, I live in Texas, so you can imagine how infuriating state news is for me. I’ve already discussed how Texas decided to give the Federal government the finger by passing a slew of gun-friendly laws in their House of Representatives, but something else that really has people buzzing — from honky-tonk bars to construction sites — is immigration reform and how, apparently, Texas wants no part of it.
With these guys running the show, it’s hard to even so much as turn on the news nowadays, especially since Tweedle-dum (real name Ted Cruz) has become a talking head for Fox News and thinks he’s going to run in the 2016 Presidential Election.
The Genius of Ted Cruz, part I
Unfortunately, there are many here in Texas that want Ted Cruz to run, especially with all of the heat surrounding the possible-former Democratic leader for the 2016 Presidential Election, one Hilary Clinton. Cruz really does seem like the guy the GOP is going to turn to when they attempt to reclaim the White House. Fortunately for me, I’ll be living in Canada at the time. Wait a minute…
Ted Cruz is from Canada! Yay, we’re off the hook! Actually, I’ve been informed that we may not, in fact, be off the hook. Apparently, Cruz’s mother was an American citizen at the time of his birth, and on that logic, conservatives argue, he is eligible to run and serve as the 45th President of the United States. However, if I may be so bold, under that same logic the Tea Party is using in the debate of Cruz’s eligibility, then even if current-President Barack Obama was born in Kenya — as far-right conservatives and the guy who killed the USFL so frivolously claimed five years ago — then his eligibility was sound, regardless. Ha! Take that you racist Conservative fucks!
You know what? Fuck it. You guys get too snarky pictures about the Birther thing.
Having Tea with a Bunch of People Who Really Like Tea
But of course, things like that only apply if it’s in the Tea Party’s best interest. Needless to say, thanks to glaring inconsistencies and contradictions on the part of the far-right, the politics Washington attempts to control day in and day out have become little more than a political circus. Even with the far-left going off the deep end every so often, the fact remains that the far-right is the guy with the whip, the hoop, the stupid-looking uniform, and the handlebar mustache.
There are three specific arenas in which the lion bait is currently holding a sold-out show: gun control, gay marriage, and immigration reform. I’ve gone over gun control and gay marriage recently, so today, our focus will be on the far-right’s opposition to immigration reform, which I, at times, refer to as the Carnival of Sorrows.
The Carnival of Sorrows
America’s Carnival of Sorrows.
I think the name says it all, actually. In the past few weeks, all of my news sources have been buzzing with the criticisms from the far-right over even just the idea of immigration reform. I’m not going to spend the time going over the current laws and statutes surrounding immigration or the “Gang of Eight” reform documents. I don’t have the time or the patience to write it all out. We’re just going to cut to the chase.
Let me start out by saying that there are two big reasons why there are so many illegal immigrants in the United States. Firstly, obtaining naturalization in the United States is a very difficult and time-consuming process. Secondly, there are tons — and I mean tons — of business owners, especially in states like Texas, New Mexico, Colorado, Arizona, and Nevada, who are perfectly fine with utilizing illegal immigrants on job sites. You can pay them below minimum-wage, keep them off the books, and use them only as needed, and the most interesting aspect of this is that even being paid what little they are paid, due to currency conversion rates and such, that $5 an hour they receive here goes a long way in Mexico. It really is a win-win. Well, not according to the American government.
Hahaha! Fuck it! More comedy for you!
Yes, for those of you who haven’t seen the season nine episode “The Last of the Meheecans“, that is Butters (Mexican name: “Mantequilla”). I know that newer South Park has been very hit-and-miss, but this episode tackles the controversies surrounding immigration dead-on. I highly recommend it.
Anyway, back to the topic at hand.
I guess you can say there is a part of me that is sympathetic toward the illegal immigrants in the United States. At one time, America was a country that welcomed people from other countries with open arms and a chance to make better for themselves and their families. These are the stories I was told as a kid, the stories my parents were told as a kid, the stories my grandparents were told as a kid, and I’m pretty damn sure, many people from many different parts of the world are still told the stories of the “Great American Melting Pot”.
America has always been represented as a land of opportunity. The problem is that nowadays, becoming an American citizen has become a trial of jumping through burning hoops over a lengthy period of time, just for a chance at becoming naturalized. In 2009, The New York Times ran an opinion piece about the United States Immigration and Citizenship Services being a “notoriously surly, inattentive bureaucracy” with long backlogs in which “would-be citizens spent years waiting on paperwork”. There are also instances when citizenship comes under scrutiny based on how certain politicians think immigrants are likely to vote. The general consensus (basically, the assumption) is that immigrants are more likely to vote Democratically, and this, in turn, has prompted Democrats to push more lenient immigration statues during election years, while Republicans work harder to stave them off.
Of course, these aren’t reasons we explicitly hear in the media. We hear about the job markets, the fact illegal immigrants are not paying taxes, and so on, and so forth. Basically, this:
Here’s the thing, though. The jobs illegal immigrants are given come from business owners who are trying to cut operating costs (whether it be for legitimate financial reasons or greed), and are usually seen in service and industrial fields. These are the jobs that are attractive to illegal immigrants, since they don’t have the time or the resources to put up with the USICS’s bullshit. So, the answer is to just kick them out?
The way that the “domestic terrorism Republicans” are going about fixing the immigration problem is by only treating one aspect of the problem. That’s like a doctor treating the symptoms of someone who has an infection, and not the cause of said infection. Immigration has to be examined a larger scale, not just at the level of the immigrants themselves, but the men who enable them, and more importantly, the system that has failed them.
The Genius of Ted Cruz, part II
This is something that people like Ted Cruz can’t seem to figure out.
Not only does the Junior Senator from Texas want to strip all of the provisions out of the Senate’s juggernaut of an immigration reform bill, but he is also pushing that a provision be added that makes voters have to prove their citizenship to actually vote. Of course, this provision was first announced on Twitter…
… and is unconstitutional, on top being something that requires the Government to be a larger enterprise than Tea Partiers — and Ted Cruz — want the government to actually be. Cruz’s idea of reform is also to make sure that there are provisions that shut down the borders and kick all of the illegals out before they can start working on obtaining citizenship. Senator Cruz, why would you want to send these people back to the slums they’re trying to escape from? Hasn’t your father taught you anything?
Do these really seem like the appropriate steps that need to be taken in the name of “fixing” America’s “immigration crisis”? Or do these just sound like the ravings of a lunatic? Let’s consult MSNBC, who obviously take a satirical approach to some real-life shit that Texas’ Junior Senator goes on consistent rampages about.
Despite the topic obviously becoming consumed in rhetoric and humor, there is a very good point that is made. The biggest problem within the Republican Party is the Republican Party. But, before we continue, let’s take another look at Senator Cruz’s tweet from the 17th, as well as the first comment on it.
A Pachyderm Civil War
The Republican Party is in crisis and looking for someone to rise within the party ranks, take the White House, and revitalize a political party that is split between young, ambitious Conservatives and aging, dollar-and-cents guys who still think that Ronald Reagan had the right idea. Let’s take a look:
From the standpoint of the younger Republicans, the amount resting on the far-right is greatly outnumbered by the guys who are a little more “moderate” than what the party is accustomed to seeing. Currently, the battle waged between the Tea Partiers and Neo-Conservatives lies with Ted Cruz and Marco Rubio, who have become rivals in the debates surrounding immigration reform. Cruz sides with the Tea Party, as we’ve mentioned before, but Rubio is siding more with the original document, drafted by the “Gang of Eight”, who are (believe it or not) a bipartisan entity. But, while the party is contending with overblown egos on Capitol Hill, the young Conservatives of the Tea Party have another problem, or should I say, several problems.
The Big 3
1. Michele Bachmann.
2. Sarah Palin.
3. Ann Coulter.
To use a basketball term, this is the “Big 3” of female politicians who align themselves with the Tea Party movement. No, they’re not listed because they’re women, but because they are goddamned insane.
Michele Bachmann, as we all know (potentially because I look at this as one of the greatest political moments of my lifetime), claimed to be “from Waterloo, Iowa” during her 2011 campaign for the Republican Party nomination for President. Despite the fact that she only lived in Waterloo until she moved to Minnesota in her early teenage years and had only served Minnesota politically up to that point, she spoke to Waterloo like she was one of them, and in a dramatic proclamation, said her campaign was going to [paraphrase] “invoke the spirit of Waterloo’s own John Wayne!”.
What Bachmann didn’t take into consideration was research. The John Wayne who spirit she was trying to provoke is actually from Winterset, Iowa, some 170 miles away. In actuality, Waterloo’s John Wayne is this guy:
Michele Bachmann, who at one time was the front-runner for her party’s nomination, managed to confuse a western/action film legend with a legendary serial killer/sexual predator.
Sarah Palin, the former Governor of Alaska and reality television personality, rose through the ranks on the sagging coattails of “moderate” Conservative John McCain, who in hindsight, probably destroyed any chance he had at beating Barack Obama in the 2008 Presidential Election by naming her as his Vice-President. Palin’s political tenure has been controversial, to say the least. During said 2008 election, she tried to come off as a “soccer mom” type of politician — someone who understood the plight of the common man, and some such. Of course, she had one skeleton in her closet that came back to bite her in the ass:
Bristol Palin was an unwed, teenage expectant mother when Sarah Palin was unsuccessfully “helping” John McCain’s campaign, something we all know the Republican Party — Tea Partier’s, in particular — completely disagree with. On top of that, Sarah Palin complicated things when the engagement between Bristol and her baby-daddy was broken off in 2010. At custody proceedings, the father, Levi Johnson, wanted the custody hearings to be done using pseudonyms and to be open proceedings, since he did “not feel protected against Sarah Palin in a closed proceeding.” Sarah resigned from her position as Governor of Alaska, then the Palin’s did a short reality-television stint on TLC with Sarah Palin’s Alaska, which featured a “crossover episode” with another TLC series and bucket of television vomit, Kate Plus 8. That’s not good for ratings, or for public reception either. Palin would go on to stir the pot many, many more times, including an attempt to take polar bears off the endangered species list, thanking former-President George W. Bush for killing Osama bin Laden, joining the talking heads at Fox News, leaving the talking heads at Fox News, then re-joining the talking heads at Fox News.
Ann Coulter… we hate her with a fiery passion here at The Zephyr Lounge.
I have previously spoken ill of Ann Coulter, referring to her as “chancroid on the dick of America” at one point. I also addressed a lot of the bullshit she has wretched onto the landscape of America, but since I am addressing a member of the “Big 3”, I think I’m going to open another line of criticism of Ann Coulter, titled:
SHIT ANN COULTER SAYS
The following is just a short list of the verbal diarrhea that has spouted from Ann Coulter’s mouth.
- “He says the reason black people keep to themselves is that it’s ‘easier than spending all your time mad or trying to guess whatever it was that white folks were thinking about you.’ Here’s a little inside scoop about white people: We’re not thinking about you. Especially WASPs. We think everybody is inferior, and we are perfectly charming about it.” — In regards to Barack Obama’s book, Dream from My Father, which Coulter also referred to as a “dimestore Mein Kampf“.
- “I was going to have a few comments on the other Democratic presidential candidate, John Edwards, but it turns out that you have to go into rehab if you use the word ‘faggot,’ so I’m… so, kind of at an impasse, can’t really talk about Edwards, so I think I’ll just conclude here and take your questions.” — referring to Democratic Senator John Edwards during the 2007 Conservative Political Action Conference
- “C’mon, it was a joke. I would never insult gays by suggesting that they are like John Edwards. That would be mean.” — email to The New York Times in response to the negative press and fallout for the above comment.
- “Faggot isn’t offensive to gays; it has nothing to do with gays. It’s a schoolyard taunt meaning ‘wuss.'” — comment made on her March 5, 2007 appearance on Fox News’ Hannity and Colmes, also in response to the aforementioned comment.
- “Take a camel.” — answer given during a speaking engagement at the University of Western Ontario when a Muslim student asked a question about comments Coulter made about how Muslims should not be allowed on airplanes.
- “I go to the best schools, Harvard, the Ivy League, and those kids are too intellectually proud to threaten speakers. … I would like to know when this sort of violence, this sort of protest, has been inflicted upon a Muslim—who appear to be, from what I’ve read of the human rights complaints, the only protected group in Canada. I think I’ll give my speech tomorrow night in a burka. That will protect me.” — comment about a student protest on March 22, 2010 at the University of Ottawa where one of her speaking engagements was cancelled.
- “I highly approve of Romney’s decision to be kind and gentle to the retard.” — tweet generated by Coulter after watching the October 22, 2012 Presidential debate between Mitt Romney and Barack Obama.
This concludes today’s installment of SHIT ANN COULTER SAYS. Hell, I enjoyed this so much, I may actually turn it into a Zephyr Lounge segment.
The Cretaceous Period of the Tea Party
Now, onto the old people. As I stated before, many of the older Tea Party members are people who still think Ronald Reagan had the right idea. These are the same men who thought that a national War on Drugs was an appropriate way of handling American youth, despite the fact it hasn’t done anything except make drugs cheaper and easier to access, as well as cost American taxpayers over $1 trillion dollars (one-sixteenth of the current National Deficit, mind you). These are the same guys who thought “Reaganomics” was a good idea, which cut taxes for businesses and investors and generated deficit spending, which inflated the American Nation debt from $712 billion in 1980, to over $2 trillion by 1988 (thankfully joint efforts by George H.W. Bush and Bill Clinton fixed that problem). These were the same guys who thought it was a good idea to utilize that deficit spending to raise the military budget and cut social programs. These were also the same men who, just two decades later, signed the USA PATRIOT Act into law without reading it. These are also the same men who are, today, bitching about the NSA and other entities spying on people’s phone records and Internet usage, despite the fact they signed the USA PATRIOT Act into law without reading it.
I can talk shit about the Tea Party all damn night, but since I’m pretty sure this post has exceeded 3,000 words (which it has; 3,109 right now), I’m going to round out the Tea Party bashing with something that may seem to be a little frivilous, but it’s actually funny as shit. At one time, Tea Partier’s referred to themselves as “teabaggers”. Interestingly enough, “teabaggers” are also what you call a man who likes to put his balls on someone else. This is but only another example of how idiotic (and/or naive) the Tea Party actually is.
Anyway, you’ve finally reached the conclusion of today’s wacky train-of-thought, unstructured entry into The Zephyr Lounge. I hope you enjoyed the tirade. Show me some love and subscribe (which you can do on the right side of this page), like (which you can do below), and/or simply tell your friends.
And remember, kids. Remember what the Conservative mindset of American awesome-sauce is: