Texas’ Labor Day is Celebrated with a Slew of New Laws

For those of you living in and/or heavily critical of Texas, September 1st saw several new laws go into the books. Some of them are a tad ridiculous (as is the Texas standard), while others rectify previous instances when Texas lawmakers (who for the most part wouldn’t know common sense if it bit them square on the ass) enacted laws that were, as mentioned before, fairly ridiculous.

So, while Texans still fight their government for spatting in the face of Roe v. Wade, here are eleven new laws that went into effect as of September 1, 2013:

  • SB393: Kids don’t need to worry about on-campus police officers issuing “student tickets” anymore. Yes, it’s true! No longer can the on-campus law give kids a Class-C misdemeanor citation for things like swearing and being the subject of bullying.
Once again, fighting on the playground isn't something that could potentially ruin the rest of your life. Ah, it's nice to return to the way things were...

Once again, fighting on the playground isn’t something that could potentially ruin the rest of your life. Ah, it’s nice to return to the way things were…

  • SB329: If you’re under 18, you can no longer go into a tanning bed.
Looks like Texas teens will need to find another way to achieve the "Jersey Shore" look.

Looks like Texas teens will need to find another way to achieve the “reverse vitiligo” look.

  • SB510: Texas drivers are now required to move out of the way if a TXDOT (Texas Department of Transportation) vehicle has it’s lights on. We can only hope that such vehicles do not flash their lights between 6:30 and 9:30 am, as well as between 4:00 and 7:00 pm, on any Dallas-Ft. Worth highways.
Just days after the anniversary of the March on Washington, TxDOT trucks finally gain equality to police, ambulances, and fire trucks.

Just days after the anniversary of the March on Washington, TxDOT trucks finally gain equality to police, ambulances, and fire trucks.

  • HB3668: If you are in an accident with someone, you better make sure their okay. Failure to do so could result in up to ten (10) years imprisonment. Personal safety be damned.
The driver of the silver car was so stunned by the accident, he had a heart attack and died. The driver of the red car was arrested and charged with manslaughter.

The driver of the silver car was so stunned by the accident, he had a heart attack and died. The driver of the red car was arrested and charged with manslaughter.

  • SB275: If you hit someone with your car and fled, resulting in their death, you might as well have killed someone while driving drunk.
This might be in poor taste, but since I was unable to find an appropriate picture and generate an appropraitely witty caption, I'll use this time to promote tshirthell.com

This might be in poor taste, but since I was unable to find an appropriate picture and generate an appropriately witty caption, I’ll use this time to promote tshirthell.com.

  • HB869: “Proxy Weddings” are no longer legal in Texas, for the most part. Sorry inmates, you can’t marry imported Russian women or that junkie who found you on an inmate search. Private Pyle, on the other hand, can still have someone stand-in for his wedding.
Before the law, nothing said nuptials quite like Bobbi Jo marrying drug-tycoon Jed in the prison chapel.

Before the law, nothing said nuptials quite like Bobbi Jo marrying drug-tycoon Jed in the prison chapel.

  • HB1421: Texas police officers are now allowed to sell firearms they’ve confiscated. Keep in mind, Texas (and it’s citizens) are so in love with their guns, the only real assumption as to why police confiscate firearms is in cases where someone was shot dead. Guess what, Rusty! That there gun you be buyin’ probly been used to keel someone, I reckon.
"Well, this beauty is a very serviceable weapon. It was once used to kill a woman on her lady time who forgot to make her husband supper."

“Well, this beauty is a very serviceable weapon. It was once used to kill a woman who betrayed her husband.”

  • SB181: Texans can now show proof of car insurance with their cell phones.
There will be an app for that.

There will be an app for that.

  • SB1191: In a move that contradicts the Republican idea of “legitimate rape”, every hospital in Texas is now required to have rape kits.
"But... but... I thought I won..."

“But… but… I thought I won…”

  • HB5: In a move that contradicts the long-time approach of Texas school districts, the amount of standardized testing on a student has dropped from 15 exams to 5.
"Well, fuck. Now I have to work."

“Well, fuck. Now I have to work.”

  • HB124: An old past-time for many a pot-less townie, Salvia Divinorum, is illegal in the state of Texas as of September 1, 2013. Little did Texas lawmakers know that Salvia Divinorum hasn’t been the “cool” alternative to pot since September 1, 2007.
"Dude, no one smokes salvia anymore. It's all about Hawaiian Haze now."

“Dude, no one smokes salvia anymore. It’s all about Hawaiian Haze now.”

Advertisements

About Robert L. Franklin

Ah, the About Me section - social networking's excuse for you sounding like an elitist prick. Hmm... what to say? What to say?
This entry was posted in America: The Blog, Chronicles of Texas and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to Texas’ Labor Day is Celebrated with a Slew of New Laws

  1. Pingback: I Really Don’t Want My Children Going to School in Texas. | The Zephyr Lounge

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s