6 Shitty Metal Bands an Old Acquaintance Exposed Me to that Made Me Want to Kick Him in the Face

When I was still a semi-pro musician, I made it a point to expose myself to as much music as possible. My goal was to be exposed to music that I thought would inspire me, so naturally I became enamored with bands like Dr. Dog, Animal Collective, Grizzly Bear, and Delta Spirit. Friends and collaborators assisted me with this process as well, namely Matt the drummer, who had a hand in my full-immersion with Modest Mouse (who were little more than a passing fancy beforehand) and Matt the bassist, who exposed me to a Pharr, Texas pop/punk band called Astrophix. From 2007 to 2009, I was on the receiving end of literally hundreds of mix-tapes, CD’s, and MySpace Music pages, for better or for worse.

Then, there was an old acquaintance of mine (we’ll call him Beardy to protect his identity… this list will make you want to kick his ass) whose participation in my musical exodus made me want to gouge my ears with chopsticks. Firstly, I’m not big metal fan, and he knew that, but I’ll be damned if he actually gave me a musical recommendation that didn’t involve a medley of noises that sound like Satan gargling battery-acid.

Here are six bands Beardy recommended to me that nearly drove me to musical suicide.

6. Vincent Price’s Orphan Powered Death Machine


Listening to VPOPDM (that’s an obnoxiously-long acronym) was like listening to a four-year-old throw a temper tantrum. Hailing from Lancaster, Pennsylvania, this conglomerate of vocal cord fuckery always seemed to hold Beardy’s attention. He once described them as “ingenious” and I can only assume he was thinking of them when we all got stoned one night and watched The Abominable Dr. Phibes.

No, Beardy, you penis. Just because I like the actor doesn’t mean I’ll like this band. You penis.

5. Black Veil Brides


What I think pissed me off more about Beardy’s musical recommendations were when he ventured away from the obscure stuff and went with something a little more mainstream. I know that sounds very hispter of me to say, but rest assured I am not saying that obscure bands are automatically better than mainstream ones (and I sure as hell don’t drink PBR). In this example, I’m saying that the mainstream bands have no excuse for sounding like shit.

Black Veil Brides always came off to me like those people who bought their clothes at Hollister and Aeropostale, but accessorized at Hot Topic — confused and teetering between scenedom and mainstreamness. They’re what you would get if Nickleback had embraced mall emo at some point their career. Yeah, that description is perfect.

4. Dragonforce


“Dragonforce is so talented!” — Beardy
“Dragonforce are going to be huge!” — Beardy
“Dragonforce is better than Dream Theater!” — Fucking Beardy

You shut your fucking face, Beardy. You penis. The defense of Dragonforce is always the same. They can play fast and shit. That has never been a qualifier for me, and Beardy knew that. Hell, he made the same case for Joey Jordison being the best drummer ever using the speed argument. It didn’t go so well for him.

If Dragonforce is to be in a description-oriented paragraph with Dream Theater, then it’s only to say that Dragonforce is a Dream Theater rip-off. They never did anything Dream Theater, Fate’s Warning, and a hundred other prog bands didn’t do before them. There was never anything about Dragonforce that really stood out, well, except their fans. I fucking hate Dragonforce fans!

Below: shitty song with a shitty name.

3. Suicide Silence

mitch lucker

There are few things in this world more inconceivably horrific than bands with screamers who pitch from shrieks to gutteral growls, at times within the same damn stanza. This is one of those bands.

Beardy loved Suicide Silence, so much, in fact, that he wanted to get one of their album covers tattooed on his back. Thankfully, his then-girlfriend threatened to stop fucking him if he did. Good save, then-girlfiend. Good save.

So, the above video confirms my darkest fear, well, at least my darkest fear at the time Beardy was exposing me to this crap. All I wanted was for the entire deathcore scene to be abducted by aliens or marched off to death camps, but this video, I think, was a statement that the scene will never die. I mean, shit, the band were shotted all to fuck by a variety of weapons. It was a fucking NRA/OCT wet dream. Of course, we think there will be some relief from this abomination of music when the priest shows up with a rocket launcher. But, if I’ve learned anything from soap operas, you have to see them die for them to be dead. Unfortunately, we did not see them die. Worst. Priest. Ever.

2. We Butter The Bread With Butter


We. Butter. The. Bread. With. Butter.

I shit you not, this is an actual band.

While this list in not necessarily in any kind of order, please note that this entry — at #2 — actually deserves to be here. Words cannot describe how much this band sucks. You can just listen to “Breekachu” (yes, this is a Pikachu reference). You’ll hear exactly what I’m talking about.

Fuck you, Beardy. Fuck you in the ear.

1. BrokenCYDE


Beyond the fact that this is the absolute worst, piece of shit, abomination of a band Beardy ever had me listen to, this is the absolute worst, piece of shit, abomination of a band to ever have assembled. Their record label is the absolute worst, piece of shit, abomination of a record label for even considering singing this horrid assembly of Hot Topic rejects from the meth capital of the United States.

Listening to BrokenCYDE should have been a statute in Bush-era torture provisions. Listening to BrokenCYDE is the equivalent of listening to a cat get raped by a fuck-machine. Listening to BrokenCYDE is a worse alternative to being trapped in a metal-cutting factory while Herbert the Homeless Drunk vomits profusely into a faulty PA system and babies cry behind him while a train struggles to stop on tracks and Lindsey Stirling plays shitty violin music while Skrillex farts into a microphone, runs it through Pro Tools, and calls it music, all while an elementary school teacher runs her fingernails over a chalkboard over and over and over again.

I would rather be strapped to a gurney in Hell and be subjected the other five bands on this list for all eternity than listen to a single second of BrokenCYDE.

I hate you, Beardy.


About Robert L. Franklin

Ah, the About Me section - social networking's excuse for you sounding like an elitist prick. Hmm... what to say? What to say?
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