There are times when I wish I had the ability to get inside someone’s head. You know, read minds and all that jazz. There are dozens of people I would be interested in knowing what thoughts bounced between their pruned brain matter when they made certain decisions. For example, what was evangelical pastor Ted Haggard thinking when he paid a gay male prostitute to shame-fist him into a meth coma (thanks Jamie Kilstein!)? What was Hilary Duff thinking that prompted her to sign up for Tinder as a means to meet dudes? I’m also very interested in how Glenn Beck’s and Alex Jones’ brains operate, since honestly, I view these men as two of the most intellectually-deficient guys on talk radio (Rush goes without saying).
If I had the power to read minds… I would definitely be curious as to why rookie Texas Governor Greg Abbott decided to send the Texas State Guard to observe the United States military conducting training exercises as part of Jade Helm 15, a seven-state wide military counterinsurgency training operation. It’s really not anything out of the ordinary, save for its size.
From what I understand, Texas’ bastion of backwoods paranoia seems to think that the presence of the U.S. military in the southwestern part of the state has less to do with training exercises and more to do with the implementation of “martial law” within the state. In a nutshell, these buffoons seem to think President Obama is looking to invade Texas, which is hilarious, considering that Texas has been in possession of the United States since 1845, save for a few years in the 1860’s when racist-ass Texas followed the racist leader and joined The Great Southern Temper Tantrum. Never mind that Texas is home to over two dozen U.S. military bases, which would have been part of the batshit equation if the state’s psychosis had actually thought about their outlandish claim before they grabbed their pitchforks, torches, and half-full jugs of moonshine. But, lo and behold, Governor Abbott, presumably with a cowboy hat on and an AR-15 in his hand, deployed the Texas State Guard to make sure the following did not happen:
“There can be no doubt that the internal events at Walmart holds the key to the endgame of Jade Helm operations. Jade Helm and Walmart are inextricably linked and the existing evidence suggests one of two possible endgame probabilities for Jade Helm. 1.) Converted Walmart stores will be processing centers for FEMA camp political prisoners. 2.) Some Walmarts will be used as supply and staging centers for an internal conflict within the United States.”
— Conservative radio host Dave Hodges
Apparently, a United States military training exercise in the southwestern part of the country is enough of an endeavor to prompt conservatives around the nation to grab their tinfoil hats and channel their inner mid-90’s Mel Gibson. While they do all of that, and in some instances mobilize, as this Facebook group is propagating, I will be sitting here and rubbing my temples, as the stupidity of the southern conservative mother-brain has hit an all-time high.
I have never understood the need for people to be so freaked out by the government. While I’m not here saying that the government is not an enterprise without its flaws and its own questionable personalities striving for questionable outcomes (both right and left), I have never read anything, seen anything, heard anything, or been exposed in some shape, form, or fashion to anything that legitimately suggested the federal government is looking to install “martial law” or commence “hostile takeovers” of any state or any municipality within this nation’s borders, despite seemingly-endless exposure to all of the deranged jargon and outright lunatic propaganda pushed by Infowars, Breitbart, Fox News, WorldDailyNews, and the king’s ransom of other conservative publications that persuade a largely-inept and growing portion of the public who have stopped using their fucking brains.
I hate to break it to you, Texas far-right conservative voter base, President Obama is not going to take over Texas, he’s not going to install martial law, and he’s not a Muslim immigrant Marxist Communist dictator pushing the “gay agenda” so he can persecute Christians. You have been grossly misinformed by people exploiting your idiocy to push their own agendas. So, thank you for convincing our common sense-deficient governor to waste my tax dollars and yours for the purpose of deploying a bunch of third-string state “soldiers” to keep tabs on the United States military, as both he and yourself lack the ability to understand reason.