Robbie’s Summer Movie Guide for 2013

This weekend, I am consumed in cinematic interest. This is the opening weekend of not only the 3-D re-release of Jurassic Park (that I’ve even got the wife interested in), but the remake (or whatever it actually is) of Evil Dead, produced by Sam Raimi and Bruce Campbell. I’ve been looking forward to these, anticipating those bad ass Velociraptors in cinematic gluttony and intrigued by the idea of one of the campiest horror films of all-time re-envisioned as torture porn. Nevertheless, I’ve been going over the list of movies to be released this year and have quickly realized that 2013, for the most part, is going to suck as bad, if not worse, than 2012.

Scary Movie 5
starring Ashley Tisdale, Lindsey Lohan, Charlie Sheen, Terry Crews, Kendra Wilkinson, and Mike Tyson

When I was 13, I thought Scary Movie was funny. When I was 14, I enjoyed the sequel because of a certain man and his “strong hand”. When the third one came around, I lost interested in them. I also grew up. With the fifth installment hitting theaters next week, I glanced over the premise and production information for the film, and in typical Robbie fashion, shook my head in embarrassment. Casting must have been an interesting discussion among the producers, since the film with without series figureheads Anna Faris and Regina Hall, but features a former Disney Channel staple, a drug-addict/prostitute (prostitution unconfirmed), a warlock, an actor typecast into roles where he stalks white women (or black guys dressed at white women), one of Hugh Hefner’s ex-girlfriends, and a cannibal boxer (who is target of my own animosity since I could never beat Mike Tyson’s Punch-out!!!).

Verdict: I’m not feeling this one. One of the shitty things about the horror genre is that if you make a successful film, by default, you make nine sequels. Scary Movie, like nearly every other franchise, needs to just throw in the towel… or have sex with someone.

Iron Man 3
starring Robert Downey, Jr., Ben Kingsley, Don Cheadle, and Gwyneth Paltrow

I’m very quickly going from disillusioned to disgusted when it comes to Hollywood movies ripped from the pages of comic books. For a little over a decade, these abortions have been cranked out every year, and no franchise or canon is safe. Maybe it has something to do with how Batman and Robin nearly killed America’s love for the Caped Crusader (and George Clooney… worst Batman ever), but regardless, each film is worse than the one preceding it. So, perhaps you can say I’m biased, but this is about upcoming films so I have to include it.

Verdict: Nope. Not interested. Even in the slightest. Of course, I’ll bet most of you will be.

Star Trek Into Darkness
starring Chris Pine, Zachary Quinto, Karl Urban, John Cho, and Simon Pegg

I was indifferent on J.J. Abrams’ first venture into Star Trek a few years ago, but I can’t say I hated it. I remember hearing a lot of Trekkie’s miss the point with the first film — it’s set in an alternate timeline, something for which the Star Trek empire is notorious. Into Darkness does play on the canon of the original film series in that the character of “John Harrison” — played by Benedict Cumberbatch — is, in fact, Khan. Oooooh, shocker. We already figured that.

All sarcasm aside, I’m interested to see how this film does. If it does well and the Abrams Star Trek movie franchise continues, I would definitely be interested in seeing how it would perform against Walt Disney’s Star Wars, Episode VII. I hope, nay, I pray that the sci-fi community erupts in a civil war between the Trekkie’s and the Wannabe Jedi’s.

Verdict: Probably won’t see it, but I will keep up with it.

Fast and Furious 6
starring Paul Walker, Vin Diesel, Dwayne Johnson, and Michelle Rodriguez

Whoever let this franchise get to six movies needs to be sacked. One of my biggest criticisms of the Fast and Furious franchise has been that they’re action movies where the weapons are cars. Now, I understand that’s the point, but let me enlighten you all as to what I mean. In the video game world, there are many racing platform gaming franchises, most notably Need for Speed and Twisted Metal. Both franchises have a fun factor, but that very quickly dries up. After a few sessions of Need for Speed, it starts getting a little boring and repetitive. After a few sessions of Twisted Metal, it gets boring and repetitive. And campy, let’s not forget that. My personal opinion: the Fast and Furious franchise is like trying to combine the two, but without the morbidity of Twisted Metal and the computer generated real-world models of Need For Speed. Also, Sweet Tooth does not make an appearance in Fast and Furious, docking the franchise even more cool points.

Verdict: Nope. I don’t care about it. I hope the franchise stops. For the love of God, stop!

Quick Entry: The Hangover III

These guys really should have learned to stop drinking together… a long time ago.

The Purge
starring Ethan Hawke, Lena Headey, Max Burkholder, and Edwin Hodge

There’s so much negativity in this post so far. Let’s change that.

The Purge… where do I begin? Is it that Ethan Hawke hasn’t been in something substantial since Lord of War? Or how about the premise of the film? Total fucking anarchy! In this dystopic America — conceived by James DeMonaco (Paranormal Activity) — once a year, everyone in the country is free to do whatever they want, without it being criminal. That’s right! For 12 hours, you can shoot up, commit murder, arson, theft, vandalism, you can rape people, whatever your disgusting criminal heart desires. So, because of this, Ethan Hawke and his family of unknown actors have state of the art security on their home to keep them safe. However, when an injured man starts banging on their door for help, Ethan Hawke’s son — who is confused about why The Purge exists — disarms the system and lets him in, causing tension and chaos within the home, as well as giving the injured man’s attackers more targets.

Verdict: Yes! Fucking yes!… I’m sorry. It looks good. It looks exciting. It’s a premise I could have very well come up with myself. I will be seeing this movie.

Man of Steel
starring Henry Cavill, Amy Adams, Kevin Costner, and Laurence Fishburne

For information about what Robbie thinks about the Superman franchise reboot, refer to the Iron Man 3 entry.

In Brief: Summer 2013, for the kids

Monster University (June 21)
Despicable Me 2 (July 3)
The Smurfs 2 (July 31)

2013’s summer box office will showcase three well-hyped movies to take your little ankle-biters to see. First is Monster University, the long-awaited sequel (edit: prequel) to 2001’s Monsters, Inc. Set about ten years before the events of the first film, Billy Crystal and John Goodman reprise their roles of Mike and Sulley, and the film follows them when they start college where, guess what, they’re actually enemies!

Despicable Me 2 come out not long afterward, and features the return of Steve Carrel, Russell Brand, and Miranda Cosgrove to the roles they had in the first film. The plot revolves around Gru (Carrel), who is recrutied by the Anti-Villain League to assist in stopping a villain named Eduardo, who is voiced by legendary vocal weirdo Al Pacino.

Despite my desire for this film to not exist, The Smurfs 2 hits theaters riding the coattails of it’s predecessor. Gargamel kidnaps Smurfette (of course) and takes her to Paris, where his henchmen — smurf-like clones called Naughties — attempt to brainwash her into being one of them. This prompts the Smurfs to return to the human world and seek help from their human friends from the first movie, as well as their son, Blue.

God, I hate the Smurfs. I hope your damn kids hate it, too.

World War Z
starring Brad Pitt, Mireille Enos, Matthew Fox, and David Morse

I watched the trailer for this and am not sure what to think. Of course, I’m also not crippled by the fact I read the book… which I haven’t, but thousands of others have. I look at it this way, I watch the shit out of The Walking Dead, so the modern take on the zombie apocalypse is still something I enjoy, but it’s been a couple of years since zombies became the fashionable Hollywood monster, and with the tanking of such recent films as Abraham Lincoln vs. Zombies and the unraveling of projects like Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, I think the zombie apocalypse is beginning to wear out it’s welcome. Bringing it back to the topic at hand, the only actor listed in the top-ish billing for the film that has any star power is Brad Pitt and I really don’t think he can carry this kind of film on it’s own. I think a lot of people will see it, but I also expect to read mixed reviews.

Verdict: Probably not.

The Lone Ranger
starring Armie Hammer, Johnny Depp, and Helena Bonham Carter

Johnny Depp and Helena Bonham Carter have very quickly moved into the realm of Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan. I’m beginning to find their pairing disgusting, especially since neither of them have been part of a movie that’s been at least halfway decent in a long time. This will be their sixth collaboration. Good God. On top of that, I’ve never really been a fan of the Lone Ranger story anyway.

Verdict: Nay.

Question: How many, and I’m going to use this term loosely, “stars” can you pack into a buddy comedy?

…

The answer is 23. Grown Ups 2 — another fucking sequel — contains the likes of Adam Sandler, Chris Rock, Kevin James, David Spade, Stone Cold Steve Austin, Selma Hayek, Wife of Adam Sandler, Aly Michalka, Maria Bello, Maya Rudolph, Andy Samberg, Cameron Boyce, China Anne McClain, Taylor Lautner, Milo Ventimiglia, Son of Governator, David Henrie, Alexander Ludwig, Allen Covert, Taran Killam, Halston Sage, Chris Hardwick, and Shaq Diesel.

Verdict: No, and I’m instituting “Philly Rules” for this one.

Note: Because I know there will be some confusion, I will do an entire post about “Philly Rules” in the near future.

RED 2
starring Bruce Willis, John Malkovich, Helen Mirren, and Anthony Hopkins

I’m actually kind of excited about this one. Even though Morgan Freeman’s character died in the first film, the remainder of the geriatric vigilantes return. The original was violent and packed with comedic quips that could only be pulled off by a main cast who’s combined age was nearly 250. Excellent film.

My only concern with RED 2 is it’s director. Dean Parisot doesn’t have the greatest resume in Hollywood, having directed such flops as Home Fries and Fun With Dick and Jane.

Verdict: However, I’m still down for seeing this movie. I just hope it doesn’t suffer from a sophomore slump.

300: Rise of an Empire
starring Rodrigo Santoro, Eva Green, Sullivan Stapleton, and Jack O’Connell

I saw 300 once and wasn’t really impressed with it. I wasn’t even impressed with the movie that spoofed it, well, aside of the fact the fat guy rubbing his nipples in the Smashing Pumpkins’ music video for “Stand Inside Your Love” played King Xerxes in it. I always figure the real Xerxes was weird enough to do that. Anyway, Summer 2013 is bringing us another sequel that probably shouldn’t even exist. I mean, I’m saying Rise of an Empire is going to be a cinematic abortion (refer to Avatar), but I think the idea of doing a sequel to a movie that has a resolved plot — especially seven years after the fact — just shows me that my suspicions are right. Hollywood is out of ideas.

Verdict:Nope. I want nothing to do with this movie. I’m also going to make a prediction. The “This Is Sparta!!” meme will come back with a vengeance.

Segue:

For the record, Metallica are the Donald Trump of the music industry. A second documentary?! You’ve got to be kidding.

Kick Ass 2
starring Aaron Johnson, Chloe Grace Moretz, Donald Faison, and Jim Carrey

The first movie shouldn’t have been a success, but it was. Of course, as is the case in Hollywood, lightning rarely, if ever, strikes twice. One of the reasons I think the first Kick Ass succeeded as a film is because when it came out, the entire world was captivated by Michael Cera. He’s not as unavoidable as he was then, and with the cast list also containing the likes of John Leguizamo and Jim Carrey, Kick Ass 2 seems on track to fail… horribly.

Verdict: Epic failure.

This definitely isn’t everything coming out over the next few months, but I honestly didn’t want this post to get too long. As a matter of fact, as a way to keep it shorter — far shorter — than it could have been, I actually omitted some further opinions on them. Alas, I still think this is at a least a decent resource for all of your summer movie-going needs. Have fun, guys. Remember, movie tickets are about $10 a pop now. Make your time at the cinema worth it.

Paranormal Files: Waco, TX

Last September, the wife and I decided to take a drive, which has become one of our favorite ways to spend time together. This particular trip took us south, traveling the (at times) confusing Interstate 35, beyond Dallas, beyond Hillsboro. Our journey took us to Waco.

While driving down Waco’s pretty disappointing Martin Luther King, Jr. Boulevard (elaboration on significance at a later date), I told her the story of David Koresh’s Branch Dividian complex from the perspective of someone who has lived in Texas. Whereas she remembers from the news, I remembered from class. She found the twisted tail of a religious zealot and master manipulator to be more compelling from my end, prompting the activation of the GPS to a new address: 1781 Double EE Ranch Road.

The following story was written literally right after we left the site. It has not been edited in any way since that night and contains no filler, just my words and feelings as I tried to process my experience.

As we approached the compound, I began to feel heavy, like I had swallowed a ball of lead that sat perfectly positioned in the pit of my stomach. My breathing became slightly labored, and the eerie flora and desolate dirt road seemed to emulate pairs of eyes that followed every movement… like the site of the massacre itself was watching us.

We continued down Double EE Ranch Road until it thinned out and became misshapen — a hazard for any vehicle following its decrepit physique — yet, that weighted feeling seemed to dissipate the further away we were from area 1781. Making a very cautious bid to turn around, we headed back, weaving the same potholes and deformed rocks back to the spot we had initially set out to find.

Within a moment, we returned. The sense of desperate sorrow and concentrated despair had returned as well, more powerful than what I had initially experienced.

As soon as the car turned off, it went black, like when one flips the lights in a small bathroom void of windows. With a sound recorder, flashlight, and a useless video device in hand, we exited the vehicle, taking our first steps into the land that forever carried the sins of David Koresh. I slowly approached the path that notified all seekers to the entrance of the Branch Dividian, recorder in full activation, listening to the symphony of crickets and gravel crunching underneath my sneakers. Turning the slight corner manifested in front of me, I saw it…

The dilapidated, metal gate seemed to peer into me as I approached, staring me down and evaluating my arrival. I stared back, fully consumed in the feeling of suffering around me. A lake of tears and agony, or like standing underneath a waterfall composed of anguish and lament. Approaching the gate, I noticed the feelings intensifying, two-fold with every step.

It was at that moment, a mere nine or ten feet from the gate, I felt stopped. I could feel hands thwarting my approach, desperately informing me not to enter. To my left came a rustle from a large collection of brush. An animal? It couldn’t be. The duration of the rustling did not cease and no scampering could be heard. The dread pooling in my body — my blood and tissues feeling comprised of ice — forced my attention back to the gate.

With the aggravated foliage to my left still seizing, the gate looked different, like its observation of me once attributed to the steel itself had become the observation of a figure — its outline — staring at me in complete disapproval. It was tall and blended into the darkness, yet partially visible. It seemed determined to not allow my admittance.

For a brief moment, my curiosity peeked and my attention moved to beyond the gate and its possible keeper. Underneath the moonlight and with flashlight assistance, my vision caught the appearance of more figures out amongst the small, wake-like hills of 1781 Double EE Ranch Road. They were like jangled silhouettes, barely discernible, but too fluid to be written off.

At that moment, my blood completely froze.

My eyes returned to the gate and the hands pushed me once again, accented by the rusting brush, who’s scratchy echo seemed to radiate between my ears and burn into my senses. I had gotten the hint. I was not welcome here.

Calling to my companion, I backed away, turning around to leave the ghosts of the Branch Dividian to themselves. While the car retreats back to civilization, the heaviness continued to build, as I once again felt the observations follow me. This time, not from the road or the trees or the crickets, but from the Dividians themselves.

Robert Franklin’s Philosophy, Episode 1: The Grandfather Paradox and Time Travel

So, in the spirit of starting a bunch of series’ on this blog, in which I’m probably not going to post the next installment anytime soon, I bring you Robert Franklin’s Philosophy, explaining the wonderful, complicated, bat-shit thinking of a bunch of guys, most of which were killed for being witches. Today’s inaugural installment focuses on a facet of philosophy most don’t know they’ve been exposed to regularly. The Grandfather Paradox — otherwise known as the time-travel principal Hollywood creams themselves over. Enjoy, and trust me, your car cannot go back in time, with or without 1.21 gigawatts (pronounced jigga-watts) of electricity.

… hmm…

Well, apparently, I can’t get the damn video to embed here. So, if you’re still interested in hearing what I have to say about the Grandfather Paradox and the application of time travel, click the link below. Damn you, internet. Damn you hard.

Robert Franklin’s Philosophy, Episode 1: The Grandfather Paradox and Time Travel

The Ides of March

Some of you may know — while others may not — that March is a hard month for me. While there have been many isolated incidents that have made March a less-than-stellar period of the year, there are two incidents in particular that really grate on me as the leaves begin their reincarnation and the sky begins to open up to severe weather.

On March 18, 2005, my mentor, my grandfather, suddenly passed away. I mean, I knew he wasn’t well, everyone did, but his passing was very sudden and very fast… and probably couldn’t have come at a worse time.

“Dr. Davis, telephone please. Dr. Davis.”
“Dr. J. Hamilton. Dr. J. Hamilton.”

Maybe the dark clouds moving on Lake Grapevine that day were a sign.

Anyway, my grandfather — my father — drew his last breath on March 14th and spent his last four days in this realm assisted by the marvels of technology. When his synthetic life-force was disassembled at the end of the week, I was not present, but that’s another story for another day. The aftermath, too, is another story for another day.

Also contributing to the ides of March is another sudden passing. I didn’t know this man, but I knew of him, and he had a profound impact on me.

I have heard stories about fans of artists and how they reacted when their untimely passing occurred. Fans of John Lennon particularly come to mind. Some of them had breakdowns over the loss. So, imagine the feeling when someone who has not only inspired you from a musical standpoint — but from every angle of everything you create — suddenly meets angels. That’s exactly what happened five years later when Mark Linkous shot himself.

Honestly, just listening to Sparklehorse is almost like listening to a suicide note, but Mark Linkous’ music has such an impact on me, not just for what it was, but for what it did for me. It transcended the work I did musically. It became my visual art, my writing, a soundtrack for my angst-ridden characters in this imaginary universe I created for them.

On March 6, 2o10, Mark Linkous, known for his musical project Sparklehorse, went into an alley with a rifle and shot himself in his broken heart. On March 6, 2010, the music world lost one it’s most ambitious and brilliant minds. On March 6, 2010, Mark Linkous, known for his musical project Sparklehorse, finally found peace.

So, as March comes to a close, I sit back and reflect on these two great men. Their influence on me is vast and profound. They will always have a place in my heart, mind, and soul. Forever.

Quick Fix: Skrillex

For starters, let me point out that I am not against electronic music. I happen to like a lot of it. Of course, as with my standards with nearly every other genre of music (save for polka), it has to be done well. It sucks, otherwise. Case in point, I really don’t like Led Zepplin that much. I think they’re incredibly overrated.

Now, I’ve learned with a lot newer music that you really can’t look at what you like and what you don’t like on a genre-by-genre basis. It has to be done on an artist-to-artist basis. I could very easily say I really don’t like dubstep, which at this moment is true, but I know that there could be something out there in the murky swamps of modern music that is dubstep and I will enjoy. So, to despise a genre? Not an easy thing to say legitimately (however, polka, as a whole, sucks). It’s probably just better for me to tell the world:

I think Skrillex sucks.

May all of the bros and emo kids strike me down! I think Skrillex sucks. There hasn’t been anything in the three years or so that Skrillex (aka Sonny Moore, formerly of From First To Last) has done that has even in the least bit given me a musical hard-on. Nothing. When I’ve listened to his music, I’ve heard nothing but overused electronic cliches, laughable rhythms (including poorly-written tempo changes and breakdowns), and usage of volume, distortion, and filter cutoffs that make me feel like I have the flu.

Harsh, I know. But what a lot of you may not (but actually should probably) know is that I am a fan of Aphex Twin.

With certain styles of music, less is more, and in no genre is that more important than electronic music. It’s the same philosophy you need in shoegazing, too much turns what your creating into a distorted, feedback-riddled soup. Richard James is one of the “less is more” guys, and when looking at electronic music, I really think there is no act better than Aphex Twin. On top of James’ approaches to composition, he also made Aphex Twin’s music diverse, which again, is something that is necessary in the electronic genre especially.

He’s also a master of spectrograms. For those of you who don’t know, a spectrogram visually measures the spectrum of frequencies in a sound. Check this shit out:

“[Equation]” by Aphex Twin:
You can fast-forward to the 5:25 mark if you don’t want to listen to the whole thing.

Yeah, you just shit yourself. Admit it.

Anyway, in summary, I don’t like Skrillex and the aforementioned reasons are why. I’m honestly tired of telling people that, since so many people nowadays think it’s the end of the world if you don’t like anything that’s currently “trending”. So there you have it, my rant for the day. Enjoy it.

Ask Robbie: An Advice Column

Today marks the inaugural entry into a sporadically updated segment called “Ask Robbie”. It’s like Dear Abby or Ask Ashley, only better.

Yep… I’ll take my advice over hers… any day.

Today’s query:

Dear Robbie,

Yesterday as I was walking down the street, I was confronted by the police for something I had no idea even happened. They told me there were a string of burglaries in the area and I needed to provide an alibi for Saturday night. They made me sit down on the curb of the shopping center I was walking through, and while he dicked around in his squad car, I was being eyeballed by everybody who walked past me. Even some of the employees at the store where I had just applied for a job saw as well. Eventually, the cop let me go, saying that I kind of matched the description of one of the suspects involved, but he didn’t think it was me. Robbie, what do I do? Can I sue the police department?

— Anonymous, Lewisville, TX

Well, Anonymous, unfortunately there isn’t much you can do. For whatever reason, there’s an epidemic of cops in the North Texas area just flexing their muscle and using their badge as an excuse to think like Neanderthals. Lewisville’s finest are no exception.

To Protect and Serve… unless we don’t want to.

I’m sorry to tell you that, unless they cuffed and processed you at the station, you have nothing, and even then, wrongful arrest is kind of a stretch, since they were pursuing a lead and all. However, you’re not the first person to have been accosted by a local police department for no damn reason. Anonymous, let me tell you a story:

One cool summer’s eve, my friend Ben and I rounded up our gang, including Jay and new-girl Jamie, and hit the road, cruising around the Lewisville-Flower Mound-Highland Village area, talking and drinking Cherry Cokes under the moonlit summer sky. In the vicinity of a yuppie neighborhood named Lantana, the reds and blues suddenly filled the rear-view mirror of Ben’s early-90’s Ford Bronco. We veered to the side of the road, and waited for the Highland Village 5-0 to tap our windows and harass us.

I admit, this vehicle is probably a little too sketchy to have been driving through a rich neighborhood after midnight. But still…

So, we all pull our identification out of our wallets, purses, pockets, etc. and hand the plastic cards to the man we’ll refer to as Officer Hank for processing. Officer Hank’s flashlight molests each and every one of us, stopping for a moment on Jay. What sets Jay apart from the rest of us? He’s black.

No, I’m not being racist. It’ll make sense soon.

Anyway, after Officer Hank’s flashlight has nearly blinded the poor guy, he gets on his radio and says some inaudible shit, then goes back to his vehicle to process our cards. All of a sudden, two more Highland Village squad cars are rifling toward us, literally screeching to a stop. Two more officers exit the vehicles. One of them is a fatty fatty two-by-four cop who we’ll refer to as Officer McDouble and the other one is a bean-pole, redneck looking cop who we’ll refer to as Officer Cletus. While Officer Hank is in his car doing God knows what — we joked later that he was jerking it to Jamie’s picture — Officer McDouble and Officer Cletus had their flashlights on Jay the whole fucking time! 

I was confused, because honestly, I looked a bit more sketchy than Jay did, but alas, after a moment of thinking it over, I realized there was some racial profiling going on. When Officer Hank returned with our state-issued “Jude’s”, he informed Ben that there had been several acts of vandalism in the area and he thought Ben’s vehicle matched the description. Since it didn’t, Ben was apparently speeding, despite the fact his car never went above 30 and the speed limit was 35. A ticket and a reprimand followed, but the icing on the cake was what Officer McDouble did as the police were leaving. He took his flashlight off Jay — finally! — but mouthed something I wish Jay would have had a nigga-moment over.

“Good night, nigger.”

Pictured: My reaction.

I was shocked! Flabbergasted! Dismayed! The first time I had ever seen a black guy turn red was when Jay pent up his racial anger that night. The police went about their business, leaving us a disjointed mess on the side of the road, a mere four hundred yards from FM 407. The rest of the night was quiet, and spent at the lake.

Anonymous, I hoped my story helped you make sense of what happened to you yesterday. I feel your pain, as do many, many other people in the area. In the words of the immortal Jello Biafra:

I’m the new folk hero of the Ku Klux Klan
My cop friends think that’s fine
You can get away with murder if you’ve got a badge

At this moment, there is no better way to sum up the police.

Of course, I did figure out something you could do. You can always create an anonymous persona, write about it as if you’re sending it to a conveniently made-up advice column, then give yourself the advice and make the jokes and tell the stories so you feel better about the incident. That’s what I’d do anyway.

Classic Gaming: Final Fantasy IV

Thanks to the advancements in technology (that I am both for and against), my cell phone has one of the greatest emulators of all time on it: Visual Boy Advance. After downloading this amazing program, I went on a ROM binge, downloading tons of ROMs, some of which I may honestly never get around to playing. One of the ROMs I downloaded was Final Fantasy IV.

 

Readers, I have this problem. I try not to do it, but for whatever reason, I can’t seem to stop. I tend to compare Final Fantasy games to VII (which is totally unfair) and most role-playing titles to Chrono Trigger (which is really unfair). Interestingly enough, this even applies to the 16-bit games that were released on the Super Nintendo (and ultimately re-released on the Game Boy Advance/Nintendo DS). I know it’s wrong, but I guess I spoiled myself.

Anyway, Final Fantasy IV tells the story of Cecil and a rag-tag band of heroes who try and stop an evil sorcerer named Golbez from destroying the world. Typical Final Fantasy plot. What makes IV interesting is that this installment is really what began laying the groundwork for the explosive Final Fantasy games of the late-90’s/early-2000’s. The biggest series contribution this installment gave the franchise was the “Active Time Battle” system, which would be used through the next five installments as well. FFIV also features a wide variety of characters, many of which fall victim to the troubles commencing in the story, giving Final Fantasy IV one of the highest body counts of any game in the series.

I’m not going to spoil anything about the game, so no more information regarding the plot or the characters will be published here, but I will say that the story is very engaging and definitely keeps you interested. It’s one of the best in the series, hands down, probably only paling in comparison to VII, X, and VIII, and being pretty much on-par with VI. The characters in the game are very intriguing and well-fleshed out, beginning the tradition of characters with different personalities, which itself is one of the best things about the Final Fantasy franchise as a whole. IV has an amazing mix of lightheartedness, action, romance, and comedy, and like certain installments that would follow, definitely has an almost cinematic (or dare I say, stage-like?) feel to it.

Overall, it’s definitely a classic for the franchise.

7 Reasons Why “Spring Breakers” Will Be One of the Best Films of the Year

A couple of days ago, one of the most talked about films of the last few months debuted in theaters across the world. Based on the information I read, it’s well on it’s way to becoming the top-film at the box office for this weekend, which in turn will make this the most-profitable film 90’s indie film prodigy Harmony Korine has ever undertaken. Because of the film’s overwhelming success on it’s opening night, I’m presenting you with 7 reasons why Spring Breakers will be regarded as one of the biggest films of 2013.

1. Harmony Korine wrote and directed it

18 years ago, Harmony Korine’s screenplay about skaters and the teenage AIDS experience was turned into a film that was received so dramatically on each end of the spectrum, terms like “wake up call to the world” held hands with “child pornography”. That film was Kids.

16 years ago, Korine wrote and directed a film that defied traditional narrative in favor of a surreal look into the underbelly of a tornado ravaged town bubbling with adolescent anarchy. That film was Gummo.

14 years ago, Korine became a figurehead in the independent film community by re-imagining the Lars Von Trier’s Dogme 95 manifesto and creating a piece about a schizophrenic man collapsing under the weight of the world he doesn’t understand. That film was Julien Donkey-Boy.

4 years ago, Korine went back to his roots, forsaking the cinematic tools of the present in favor of VHS tapes and creating a disturbing cinematic tour-de-force as we followed around a group of men who peep into windows and have sex with trash cans. That film was called Trash Humpers.

So, how will Spring Breakers compare to the disturbing and beautiful body of work Korine has been creating for nearly the last two decades? In a March 27, 2012 article by Indiewire, Spring Breakers “might be the weirdest movie [Korine] has ever made by nature of being totally unlike his previous work.” The film boasts a relatively traditional plot and an array of actors who are within the mainstream, something Korine does not have a history of doing. But, as many of us who are familiar with Korine’s work know, it’s not so much the plots (or in some cases, lackthereof) that make Korine’s movies a cross between the works of Buster Keaton and David Lynch, it’s the characters. Korine has a knack for making the scum of society appear angelic and beautiful, justifying their actions (which have ranged from stealing virginity to pimping a girl with Down Syndrome) as a necessary step in the achievement of a goal. A goal that you, the viewer, have been cheering them for without even realizing it.

That’s what makes Korine great and his films cinematic achievements.

2. Selena Gomez and Vanessa Hudgens completely shed their Disney pasts

Yes, the girl on the left is from High School Musical, and yes, the girl on the right is from Wizards of Waverly Place. Once upon a time, she was also on Barney. I know, and now, as they begin to take a closer look at their careers during their early-20’s, they decided to be involved in a film with one of the most brilliant (yet, disturbed) minds in cinema.

I think it’s brilliant!

For a little over ten years now, Disney has made careers, only to have the actors and actresses either give them the old fuck you (which I refer to as “Duffing”) or quickly jumping into very non-Disney material after the departure from the House of Mouse. It’s perfect career strategy, if you think about it. What better way to add a can of nitrous to your career than to make every writer and reviewer in the country go, “Oh my God! She used to be ___________ on the Disney Channel program ____________!” Hell, Miley Cyrus was caught smoking “salvia” right after Hannah Montana was cancelled. Remember that?

Anyway, back to the topic. (I fucking hate Disney). Vanessa Hudgens has been free from the cheese-greased fingers of Mickey Mouse since 2009, and since then has assembled a less-than-stellar resume of film roles, including Beastly, Journey 2: The Mysterious Island, and Sucker Punch. In Spring Breakers, she plays Candy, who is described in the Venice Film Festival review by The Hollywood Reporter one of three “reprobate skanks”.

Just so you know, she’s also billed in the upcoming Robert Rodriguez film, Machete Kills.

Selena Gomez, on the other hand, hasn’t completely escaped the Wonderful World of Disney. In Spring Breakers, she plays Faith, and while she may be a member of a youth ministry, she still is involved the film’s debauchery. This is an interesting role for Gomez, though, and one I think she could really pull off. She is sharp, witty, and has natural acting talent. I just find it interesting that she’s involved in a project like this and the ghost of Walt Disney isn’t slapping her around and calling her a Jew.

Okay, that may have been a little too harsh. But…

3. The film was released on March 22nd

Release dates are definitely important in the film industry and Spring Breakers really couldn’t have been released at a better time. It comes out the weekend after most Spring Break’s across the country end, serving as a kind of “finale” to whatever Spring Break shenanigans may have commenced.

4. James Franco is one of the most diverse actors around right now

There is no denying that James Franco has really set himself apart from the crop of actors who came up with him via Judd Apatow. Many of them have end up type-cast, such as Seth Rogen and Jason Segel, but Franco continues to display his broad acting range with nearly every film he is a part of. Since playing the role of Daniel Desario on the cult-drama Freaks and Geeks, Franco has garnered high praise for such roles as James Dean (James Dean), Harry Osborn (Spiderman 3), Saul Silver (Pineapple Express), Scott Smith (Milk), and Aron Ralston (127 Hours). He also played a sociopathic artist (aptly named Franco) on the long-running ABC soap opera General Hospital, which also brought him tremendous acclaim and recognition within the soap opera community.

In Spring Breakers, Franco plays Alien, a drug dealer that takes the girls under his wing and acts as a guide for the debauchery they immerse themselves in. His casting brought a lot of attention to the film and for the actor with arguably the most unpredictable career in Hollywood, that’s a very Korine thing to do.

5. The film premiered at the Venice Film Festival

The Venice Film Festival is one of the most prestigious in the world, arguably of equal significance as the Cannes Film Festival or the Berlin Film Festival. It’s also the oldest in the world.

Films that are accepted into the Venice Film Festival competition almost always become successful, not just in their own countries, but abroad as well. For many in the industry, there is nothing more important to the success of a film as festival recognition.

6. Skrillex is one of the most-marketable names in music right now

Despite my personal opinions toward Skrillex, and “dubstep” as a whole, one of the things that could definitely assist Spring Breakers in being one of the films discussed at the end of the year is, actually, Skrillex. He’s at the front of the dubstep trend and more and more people are listening to his music every day. Skrillex has six Grammy Awards, as well as a VMA and an Annie Award (for Disney’s Wreck-It Ralph, believe it or not). On top of that, he was a nominee in BBC’s Sound of 2012 poll and MTV’s 2011 Electronic Dance Music Artist of the Year.

7. It made back double it’s budget on opening night

It took one night for Spring Breakers to make enough money to avoid becoming a box-office failure. The average theatrical run is about four weeks. You tell me why that’s a good thing.

By the Numbers: Weed and Facebook

As many of you know, and as I’m sure many of you have assumed, I’m a supporter of cannabis legalization. The fact that it’s illegal is bothersome to me, especially since the act that effectively prohibited the distribution and possession of hemp was done for the “best interest” of people like Andrew Mellon, William Randolph Hearst, and the Du Pont Family, since it was considered detrimental to the success of the timber industry. Since the Marijuana Tax Act of 1937 (the law I am currently bitching about), over twenty million American’s have been arrested and/or convicted of marijuana-related crimes, effectively making it the most common criminal offense in the country.

Douchebag.

Douchebag.

Family of Douchebags.

Even though hemp plants have been an important facet of world cultures for thousands and thousands of years, a bunch of pissed-off, rich businessmen pushed Congress to make it illegal for anyone within these United States to have amazing experiences such as these:

Sorry about the audio and video falling out of sync. Watch it high and it won’t matter to you.

Anyway, so while I’m thinking about illegal pot and 8-bit cartoons, I look down at my phone and see Facebook notifications. Again, I start thinking and asked myself (and my Facebook friends) the following question:

“If a full legalization of cannabis were to happen, how many people would buy and sell it on Facebook?”

As I researched, the results were astonishing.

By The Numbers:

According to the National Survey on Drug Use and Health, 2007:

32,730,854 — Number of people aged 18-25 who admitted to having smoked pot.
35,300,404 — Number of people aged 26-34 who admitted to having smoked pot.
65,304,397 — Number of people aged 35-49 who admitted to having smoked pot.
89,268,446 — Number of people aged 50+ who admitted to having smoked pot.

Altogether, that makes 222,604,101 adults polled who admitted to having smoked pot at some point in their lives.

According to an October 4, 2012 article by CNNMoney, Facebook has over 166 million users in the United States, a number that is substantially lower than the above results from the 2007 NSDUH poll.

Let’s look at the 18-25 and 26-34 age demographics. These two are the ones that work best, by way of comparison. Within those demographics, 68,031,258 people have smoked pot in comparison to 91,300,000 (estimated) Facebook users within those same demographics, according to data collected on March 1, 2011 by socialmediatoday.com. So, to make the math behind this a little easier to digest, basically a little over two out of every three people within these demographics have smoked ganja. Possibly. Even with this being generalized information producing generalized results, is it so far-fetched to think that two out of every three people have smoked marijuana? Nah. Not really.

Keep in mind, I didn’t include those little bastard kids in this number crunch. They fuck a lot of things up for us adults.

“No one understands me. Why can’t I just have weed?!”

So, in conclusion, it’s probably safe to say that around 2/3 of all Facebook users would probably buy and sell on Facebook, since in reality, that’s probably the best way to keep in contact with your dealer anyway. Hey, look at that! All that math for nothing!

In Their Own Words: The Biggest Brand Failures of All-Time, part 2: Domino’s Pizza

Today’s entry is brought to you by Junior Writer Thomas LaSordo. In an attempt to one-up his fellow junior writer’s, he sought out Noid, a former Domino’s Pizza mascot, and pushed him to tell the story of his time at the pizza chain. He got a little more than he bargained for.

A Case of Mistaken Identity
by
Thomas LaSordo

While I admit my favorite pizza chain is Papa John’s, I have always been interested in the advertising campaigns run by Domino’s. Perhaps it was the idea that they’re goal is to get your pizza to you in “30 minutes or less”, and while that had proved to be a dangerous philosophy, it appealed to the consumer in me. When I order pizza, it’s because it sounds really good, and since pizza is practically the embodiment of eating food that’s bad for you, the desire to consume (the high-calorie, high-fat, high-stroke probability) triangular slices of bread, cheese, and gratuitous toppings typically dissipates not long after the order is purchased. That, and pizza is fucking expensive. If I’m dropping $15 on a 14″ pie, I better be treated like Augustus Caesar. Just saying.

It was with this in mind that I began looking into Domino’s advertising strategies and happened upon the story of one of their most interesting employees. In 1986, the pizza chain, who would also dip into such pop culture classics as The Goonies, the Super Mario Brothers’ Super Show, and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, decided they needed an official spokesperson to cement their “30 minutes or less” philosophy. So, after searching far and wide, they came upon an anatomically distant humanoid who went by the name Noid. As part of his gimmick, he referred to himself as “a-noid”, a play on the term “annoyed”, making him kind of weird-looking George Carlin, just a not really all that funny version. Domino’s employed him, developed a marketing strategy around him, and unleashed Noid upon the world. The plan proved disastrous.

I tracked Noid to Boise, Idaho, where he was working on a potato farm. After his shift ended, I took the former television personality out to dinner, where we discussed his time at Domino’s, as well as a personal rivalry with another pizza mascot.

TZL: So, how are the potatoes?
Noid: (laughing) Don’t ask me that.
TZL: (laughing) Sorry. So, should we get down to business?
Noid: Sure.
TZL: What was it like working at Domino’s?
Noid: They had a plan for me, and even though I didn’t know much about advertising, I felt good about it. They were really interested in what I thought and determining where my strengths were so we could develop an effective way to get the Domino’s philosophy out to the people.
TZL: The “30 minutes or less” campaign.
Noid: Yes, but by that time, it was more like “we’re going to do our best to get it to you in 30 minutes or less, but there are no guarantees.”
TZL: Seems kind of contradictory.
Noid: Yeah, but given some of the events of the few years before I came along, it made sense.
TZL: How so?
Noid: Let’s just say Domino’s drivers were probably one of the inspirations for Stainless Games to create Carmageddon.
TZL: That bad, huh?
Noid: Yeah.

We sat in silence for a moment while Noid ate his baked potato and I stared at mine.

TZL: Enjoying that potato?
Noid: Yeah. I mean, it’s practically all I eat here, but shit, it’s better than pizza.
TZL: Speaking of, tell me about your time at Dominos.
Noid: Well, I could start from the beginning, but it’s just typical advertising stuff — commercials, meetings, appearances. I think the best place to start would be in 1988.
TZL: Why 1988?
Noid: I attended a mascot convention in Atlantic City that year. I met Spot [of 7-Up fame], Tony the Tiger, a bunch of guys dressed up as Vulcans…
TZL: Vulcans?
Noid: They were in the wrong place.
TZL: Oh.
Noid: Anyway, I met a bunch of advertising forerunners, including Caesar.
TZL: Caesar?
Noid: Pizza? Pizza?
TZL: Oh.
Noid: Yeah. That son of a bitch was so loved by everyone there and a total horse’s ass to me. He talked a bunch of shit and just belittled me in front of everyone there. I almost kicked his ass.
TZL: Why didn’t you?
Noid: The “Public Relations Nightmare Clause” in my Domino’s contract. I couldn’t break it. I had kids to feed.
TZL: You had kids?
Noid: Yeah. It’s a long story.
TZL: Okay. Please, continue.
Noid: Well, the incident with Caesar inspired me to take Domino’s ads to a whole new level. So, for the remainder of 1988, Domino’s and myself worked tirelessly to get the company’s philosophies out to not only our current customers, but also new ones. Hell, I was even in Moonwalker with Michael Jackson, Joe Pesci, and John Lennon’s kid. On a personal level, I wanted to take Little Caesar’s customers away from that big-nosed asshole.
TZL: So, did it work?
Noid: Probably too well…
TZL: What do you mean?
Noid: My life began to change on January 30, 1989. Some crazy person, who’s last name was the same as my name, thought the commercials were a personal attack on him. He went into a Domino’s in Atlanta and held a couple of our employees hostage for over five hours. I wanted to go and help them, but the company wouldn’t let me. It was like they valued their “money-maker” more than the kids who worked at the grassroots level.
TZL: What makes you say that?
Noid: That’s what one of their ad guys said.
TZL: Oh.
Noid: So, while I’m practically holed away against my will, this lunatic is holding these kids at gunpoint, demanding pizza, one-hundred grand, a getaway vehicle, and a copy of The Widow’s Son.
TZL: A book?
Noid: Yeah. Anyway, this guy eventually surrendered and was charged with a host of infractions. Aggravated assault. Kidnapping. Extortion. Possession of a firearm. You know, the usual stuff someone gets charged with for holding up a pizza place.
TZL: Damn.
Noid: Of course, he got off because he was insane.
TZL: Oh.
Noid: Yeah. It struck me. I didn’t know how to process it, and in the aftermath, I was no longer doing commercials or public appearances. But, Domino’s really benefited from the exposure.
TZL: How so?
Noid: Well, a video game for MS-DOS and the Commodore 64 came out later that year called Avoid the Noid, where I tried to keep a delivery guy from getting a pizza to the customer within the 30-minute time limit. In 1990, Capcom made another game starring me for the Nintendo named Yo! Noid. There were toys and more commercials and more appearances. I was starting to burn out.
TZL: That sucks. How did it all end?
Noid: Well, the “brilliant” ad men for Domino’s ran out of ideas and feared using me again, especially since the crazy guy was found not guilty by reason of insanity. At that same time, Spot and the California Raisins were moving into the spotlight and with nothing new to go on, even my ideas from behind-the-scenes were dismissed. I was pushed aside. My services were no longer needed. It was all for the best though, I was getting really tired and disillusioned with Domino’s anyway.
TZL: What did you do after that?
Noid: I just coasted for a while. I worked odd jobs, wrote a book, and focused on my family.
TZL: A book?
Noid: Yeah. It didn’t get published though, which is totally okay. It was more for therapy. The tenure at Domino’s kind of weighed on my spirit.
TZL: That’s cool. I’m glad things have been working out for you.
Noid: Not exactly…
TZL: Explain?
Noid: (sigh) A couple of years went by after I left Domino’s and my wife and I were beginning to stress over money. So, against my better judgement, I got into contact with Capcom for another game, which was given the green-light. But, the money could not be secured and the company was spending time focusing on Resident Evil, Breath of Fire, and Street Fighter. I mean, I get it. They were juggling three major gaming franchises and developing others. My wife, however, didn’t quite understand.
TZL: Didn’t she work?
Noid: No. She was comfortable sponging off the money I made at Domino’s.
TZL: So, she was a gold digger.
Noid: (nods) And I was becoming a broke nigga.
TZL: So, what did you do from there?
Noid: I took work whenever I could get it. No matter the hours or the pay. I began burning out again, and my wife got worse and worse. My kids were even starting to resent me. In late 1998, while working a temp job as the mascot for the Philadelphia Phillies, I was approached by Dennis Corman, who was a big fan of mine in the late-80’s while he was in college. He told me that I was his favorite ad-character. I was happy to meet a fan. I mean, I knew they existed, but I had never met one. He gave me his card and told me to call him. I almost threw it away, thinking all I would do is reminisce about my painful past with the guy, but instead of tossing the card, I put in my pocket and went back to work.
TZL: Then what happened?
Noid: The Phillies got their asses kicked and I went back to my motel room. I called Dennis and we spoke for a bit about his admiration of me and some of the things that happened at Domino’s and in my personal life. Then, he caught me off-guard.
TZL: How?
Noid: He was an agent and really wanted to get me back into the spotlight. I was initially apprehensive, but he was very convincing. He explained that he had connections that could get me back into entertainment and was very specific that it could be on my terms, save for one detail.
TZL: Which was?
Noid: Divorce my wife.
TZL: Did you?
Noid: (laughs) Fucking right, I did.
TZL: (laughs) Then what?
Noid: Dennis hooked me up with Matt Groening, who put me in a couple of Simpson’s episodes. I began writing and speaking to others who followed my tenure at Domino’s. I also made appearances on Family Guy, 30 Rock, and other television programs. I told my story at conventions and upscale parties. I got back to that level of widespread acceptance I had before the hostage incident, but without the stress of a major company breathing down my neck. I was doing everything on my own terms, and it made me happy. Then, Domino’s came crawling back.
TZL: What?
Noid: Yeah, Domino’s wanted me to come back and advertise for them again. This was at the end of 2009. I declined actual advertising, but Dennis and I worked out an agreement that they could use my likeness on a  series of T-shirts. I got a pretty good check, which I looked at as reparations, and Domino’s could not make a dime off me. All proceeds from sales of the T-shirts went to St. Jude Children’s Hospital.
TZL: They went for that willingly?
Noid: I think they were desperate. Pizza Hut and Papa John’s were kicking their asses hard at the time.
TZL: Cool.
Noid: Yeah, but because I’m a nice guy, I worked with Domino’s again.
TZL: Yeah?
Noid: In 2011, I signed a contract to be a promotional figure on their Facebook page and allowed my likeness to be seen at the end of an ad they ran at the beginning of that summer. I also allowed another video game to be made.
TZL: How long were you at Domino’s the second time?
Noid: I’m still there, technically. Noid advertisements are made on my terms and when I want them to be. In return, they have the right to use my likeness for internet advertisements.
TZL: Like Facebook?
Noid: Exactly.
TZL: So, why are you working at the potato farm?
Noid: Well, it’s something to do for right now. I have to keep myself busy nowadays, and since I’m on sabbatical from traveling and appearances, I wanted a job that was a little more “modest”, so to speak.
TZL: That’s cool. You seem to have a good head on your shoulders now.
Noid: Yeah. Honestly, for a long time, I didn’t think I would get a happy ending. This is nice. I feel centered. At peace. Even though I’m in the shadow of the limelight, I still talk to Dennis and stuff. We go out for dinner every so often and discuss “possible” future projects. He’s great and it’s nice to have an agent that has my interests in mind.
TZL: That’s great, Noid. I’m really happy for you.
Noid: Thanks.

So many who live in the watchful eyes of the television-obsessed public fall from grace and never pull themselves out of the black hole of failed stardom. The Noid, however, defied the odds set before him by the many personalities that proceeded him. Through hard work and drive, The Noid overcame the shadows cast upon him by the turmoil and tragedy of working at Domino’s and, once again, grabbed the reigns of his horse. This time, it’s been on his terms and for me, seeing him happy and fulfilled is such a positive reinforcement in the idea that no matter how bad things can get, there is always a silver lining.